IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person. Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#studies #teenagers #person #case #measures #time
Technology has been a part of society for many years. It provides many facilities that could ease our daily activities.
However
,
this
 event creates a problem where
teenagers
 are more likely to choose online communication rather than meeting
one
 another in person.
This
 essay explains the reasons for
this
 phenomenon and provides solutions to prevent
this
 problem. 
Firstly
, online
platforms
 provide many facilities that can help us do many things effectively. The effectiveness of online
platforms
 can be seen during the pandemic era in 2019. Work from Online (WFO) was the trend when many workers and students used online
platforms
such
 as Zoom and Google Meet to meet other
people
 during the pandemic restrictions. The
platforms
 have many features to ease communication with other
people
, and these applications are still being used even when the pandemic era is over. The easiness of using online applications may be
one
 of the reasons for
teenagers
'
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 today. 
Secondly
, online
platforms
 create the chance to make friends around the world and to respond to the world's current situations. Social media
such
 as Instagram and Twitter are mainly used by
teenagers
, where they can interact and communicate with many
people
 in
one
 place.
This
 leads to
teenagers
'
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, where they can just sit inside their houses and do many things in the presence of social
platforms
. Other than that,
people
 can do social movements and give opinions about certain events in the world with their phones.
Besides
 the effectiveness and easiness of online
platforms
, some disadvantages lead to health and social problems.
Teenagers
 should be encouraged to join interactive events that can not be achieved with online
platforms
,
for example
, taking art classes or going to music festivals and marathon events. I believe doing activities with other
people
 who have the same interests as us could help
teenagers
 spend more time outside the house and meet
one
 another in person.
Submitted by writingielts0 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical sequencing of paragraphs. Each main idea should be explored thoroughly before moving to the next, and connections between paragraphs could be strengthened with more cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but could be improved. The introduction should explicitly refer to both aspects of the question (reasons and measures), and the conclusion should summarize both main points, reflecting the question's requirements.
task achievement
The main points require deeper analysis and more development. While some reasons and measures are mentioned, they need to be explored in greater depth with more detailed explanations and specific examples that are directly relevant to the topic.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score for task achievement, the essay should provide a more complete response to the prompt. It should address all parts of the task more fully, presenting a balanced coverage of each part of the question.
task achievement
Your ideas must be clear and developed comprehensively, showing a deeper understanding of the topic. Avoid surface-level discussions and instead analyze the underlying reasons or implications of the ideas you present.
task achievement
Use specific examples that directly support the arguments being made. While some examples are provided, they should be elaborated upon to demonstrate how they specifically relate to the ideas being discussed. Anecdotes or hypothetical situations could be incorporated to illustrate points further.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • socialization
  • curate
  • engaging
  • social anxiety
  • digital detox
  • tech-free zones
  • mentorship programs
  • real-world interactions
  • face-to-face settings
  • in-person participation
  • promote
  • deter
  • foster
  • appeal
  • perspectives
  • detox challenges
  • community service
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