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Writing Samples
Band 6

In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people's skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Every woman nowadays has a
skincare
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 routine. There are a variety of
skincare
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 these days ranging from serum, moisturizer, sunscreen, and toner. Each type of product has its benefits
such
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 as slowing the signs of
aging
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ageing
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, brightening, hydration, and reviving dull-looking
skin
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.
However
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,
while
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 I believe that
such
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products
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 are beneficial to the individual, I agree that they have had damaging
effects
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 in terms of health and society. With regards to individuals, the impact that
skincare
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products
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 have had on each person has clear advantages.
Firstly
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,
people
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 would want a
skincare
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 item that had an immediate effect.
Therefore
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, many companies started to release beauty items that had the effect of brightening and whitening claiming that the product would work in a short amount of time. So the
people
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 who rarely had a chance to wait for a long time to see the outcome become tempted by the
products
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.
Secondly
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, in the beauty industry,
people
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 tend to believe that fairer
skin
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 can be regarded as superior.
This
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 is because of media that shows having white
skin
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 as ideal for all. Henceforth, countless women begin to follow the current beauty trends without researching the product ingredients.
On the other hand
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, these
products
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 have negative
effects
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 on
people
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's health.
For instance
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, companies mix chemical ingredients in these
products
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 and they are harmful to the
skin
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. A recent study has shown that the components of these
products
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 are carcinogenic and may cause cancer if applied regularly. There are detrimental
effects
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 on the society as well.
People
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 with darker
skin
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 believe that white is better than black. Owing to
this
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, they try to avoid being part of social events;
as a result
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, they suffer from depression and stress. In conclusion, it is indeed a fact that whitening
products
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 have a profitable market. Media influence is one of the major factors contributing to
this
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 trend.
However
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, steps should be taken to change
this
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 mindset as it has hazardous
effects
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 on
people
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 and society.

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coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit significantly from a stronger logical structure. Ideas should flow in a clear and systematic manner with more effective use of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
Introducing a clear topic sentence in each paragraph and ensuring that the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points could enhance the introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more detailed explanations. Utilize specific examples to reinforce arguments throughout the essay.
task achievement
Ensure the essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Expand on the reasons for using skin-lightening products and discuss the consequences more comprehensively.
task achievement
Ideas should be expressed with greater clarity and developed more thoroughly. Avoid vague generalizations and strive for more comprehensive discussions.
task achievement
Include more relevant, specific examples to strengthen the response. Personal examples or widely recognized facts can add credibility to the essay.
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