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Band 4

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, government should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #quality #government #money #projects
part of the world still
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
art
 doesn't involve
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
enhancing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human development.
due to
this
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 they think that governmental authorities should not spend more
money
 on these projects.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so many people stay in that opinion, I disagree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 that statement. I believe that
artistic
Correct article usage
the artistic
show examples
 part is something that has more impact on
pepoles
Correct your spelling
people
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
. First of all,
music
 and
art
 directly
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in human psychology. Nowadays, more people get busy with their
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 work as their stress level increases
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. So, keeping their mental
stabiliy
Correct your spelling
stability
 is very important. Because of that, they tend to involve in
music
 or
art
, to reduce their stress level.
Furthermore
, many psychological researches state that so many people who
were involve
Change the verb form
were involved
show examples
 in
music
 or any kind of
art
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
low
Add an article
a low
show examples
 chance
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 getting psychological disorders.
For instance
, I do listen to
music
 as a hobby to keep
my self
Correct your spelling
myself
show examples
 away from some problems and it always works for me.
On the other hand
, there are lots of countries earning
money
 out of
music
 and theatres. As
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 example,
Korean
Correct article usage
the Korean
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
earn
Correct subject-verb agreement
earns
show examples
 almost 5% of
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 whole income from
music
Add an article
the music
show examples
 industry.
Also
,
this
 can be helpful in
tourism
Add an article
the tourism
show examples
 industry. After getting
involve
Change the form of the verb
involved
show examples
 in
music
 and dramas some of the foreigners tend to visit their origin countries.
This
 is
also
 one of the
benefit
Change to a plural noun
benefits
show examples
 to the government authorities. Spending
money
 on
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 industry
also
 can earn more
money
 from the films.
These kind
Change the determiner
This kind
These kinds
show examples
 of
projrcts
Correct your spelling
projects
 can attract more foreign dollars to the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
. In a
nut shell
Correct your spelling
nutshell
show examples
,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 some of them believe
in
Change preposition
that
show examples
spendin
Correct your spelling
spending
spendin'
artistic
Change preposition
on artistic
show examples
 projects is a waste of
money
. But it can be
helpfull
Correct your spelling
helpful
 with increasing
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 psychology.
Moreover
, these projects can be
helpfull
Correct your spelling
helpful
 with
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
 income of the government itself.
Submitted by darshanadnj20 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, your essay should have a clear structure with distinctive paragraphs, including an introduction and conclusion. Ensure each paragraph contains one main idea with supporting sentences that are pertinent to the topic.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction should provide a clear response to the essay question and your conclusion should summarize the main ideas discussed. Both need to be coherent and consistent with each other.
supported main points
Ensure that each point you make in your essay is supported with examples or explanations. Be cautious of overgeneralizing and try to use specific examples to substantiate your arguments.
complete response
Your essay must answer the essay question fully. It seems like you have partially addressed the prompt, but you could expand more on how arts improve the quality of life, tying them directly to the question.
clear comprehensive ideas
Strive to express your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Avoid vague statements. Provide clear arguments and examples to articulate your point of view effectively.
relevant specific examples
Utilize specific, relevant examples to underscore your points. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and strengthen your arguments. Generic statements should be substantiated with concrete details.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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