IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, government should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

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Lately, a plethora of topics is being seriously talked about among various individuals and groups, and one prominent topic is artistic projects. There are even
people
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 who believe that
government
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 shouldn't spend too much public
funds
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 on artistic products. If the well-being and
development
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 of
society
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 are to be considered, I strongly agree with authorities spending our tax on artistic projects. even though others think that the
funds
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 should be spent on physical welfare. The first point I want to emphasize is social well-being. It is a common fact that delicate melodies or art equipment can comfort
people
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's minds or motivate
people
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's inspiration. To illustrate, art and music are part of life, they bring joy to
society
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 advance the feeling of satisfaction in living, and
also
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 treat
people
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's minds when they feel disoriented.
Therefore
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, the value of artistic products is invisible but actual. Another idea worth stressing is promoting the
development
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 of
society
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. The reason is that investing in the artistic field can create more opportunities for jobs.
For example
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, the
government
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 invests
funds
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 in the artistic area to create more job occupancies for
people
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 who are interested in
this
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 area,
moreover
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, bring a diversity of economic
development
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.
Hence
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, considering
overall
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society
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's
development
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, investing in art aspect is necessary.
On the other hand
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, some individuals reckon that
government
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 spending should be used on real
development
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. They claim that public
funds
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 should be spent on the physical infrastructure or welfare system.
For instance
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, aged care, support workers, updating the equipment for firemen, and so on, and refurnishing public infrastructure, etc.
However
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, one should bear in mind that social
development
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 not only has one direction, which is diversity. To summarize,
government
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 spending should be spent in the right direction in someone's opinion.
However
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, I still hold the opinion that public investment has various directions some in the physical and others in the spiritual, but all of these products benefit and develop our
society
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.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that your essay contains clearly separated paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Each body paragraph should have a clear main idea at its beginning.
coherence cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion were present, they could be more effectively used to introduce the topic and summarize the essay's argument. The thesis statement should be clear and the overview more comprehensive in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
When supporting your main points, ensure you use a variety of cohesive devices. More complex structures and referencing within and between paragraphs could enhance clarity and cohesion.
task achievement
While the response is complete, aim for a more direct positioning of your argument. Ensure that your stance on the question is clear from the introduction and consistently maintained throughout the essay.
task achievement
Your ideas could be expressed more comprehensively with more developed argumentation and detail. Include finer nuances, potential counter-arguments, or acknowledge different perspectives to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Use more pertinent and varied examples to underline your points. The examples should be specific, fully developed, and relevant to the argument to enhance your task response score.
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