IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Recent advances in air travel have focused only on those sitting in first class and have left other passengers with no benefits. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#advances #air #travel #first #class #passengers
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The current advancements in air transportation have sharpened their focus toward first-class passengers
while
 leaving the rest with zero advantage. Supported by reliable data, I assert that
this
 statement is true. In
this
 essay, I will decipher two of the main changes which align with my point of view.
Firstly
, the creation of entertaining media is mostly limited to people in the first-class area. Meanwhile, other passengers were left with nothing in front of them.
For example
, an aerospace company in Indonesia, namely Garuda Indonesia, invented watching devices that are only accessible to first-class occupants.
Furthermore
, these mini televisions are provided with various choices of amusement,
such
 as video games, music playlists, and popular movies.
On the other hand
, lower-class passengers were only occupied with Wi-Fi and no supported devices to play with.
Secondly
, newly made features are often not introduced to all aeroplane customers and remain exclusive. As a shred of evidence, a group of regional scientists in Asia made a discovery of a futuristic button located on the right side of each individual chair. The function of
this
 button is to call a crew member of the aircraft when someone needs help. Unfortunately,
this
 renewal is created for first-class travellers only.
As a result
, other groups of travellers have to manually ask the air hostess to gain some help.
To sum up
, modern features are not equally given to all the people sitting on the plane. I completely agree that recent developments regarding aerospace travel are mostly exclusive to first-class people. To avoid any potential conflict in the future, these practices should be evaluated thoroughly by aerospace companies.
Submitted by jelitasofiaz on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph naturally leads on from the previous one and contributes to a cohesive argument. Use a variety of linking words and cohesive devices consistently.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of your argument is easy to follow, strive to improve the complexity of your sentences and the effectiveness of your paragraphing for enhanced coherence.
coherence cohesion
Provide clear topic sentences for paragraphs to establish main points and then expand on them methodically, backing them up with detailed examples or data.
task achievement
Make certain that your essay thoroughly addresses all parts of the task, gives a clear position throughout the response, and presents a conclusion that summarises the main ideas.
task achievement
Develop your ideas fully, ensuring that your reasoning is comprehensive. This can be achieved by delving deeper into your argument and exploring the implications or counter-arguments.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but try to include a variety of specific instances from broad sources to enrich the content. Citing real-life evidence or studies could strengthen your argument further.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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