IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think the Olympic Games is an exciting event which can bring nations together. Other people think Olympic Games is a way for people to waste money that could be used for other events. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #olympic #games #event #nations #waste #money #events
The past few decades have seen an evergrowing discussion about the Olympic games, whether it is beneficial or not. Some
crowd
Fix the agreement mistake
crowds
show examples
 argue that they can bring people together,
however
, others assume that it is a waste of money, which Can be used in other events. The following lines will discuss both sides before a reasoned conclusion is found. On the one hand, some public may argue that the
Olympics
 unify different cultures and countries, as ,generally, sports strengthen the relationship between the human-kind
as well as
 create a long-term connection between them, Having been played for centuries, sports are known to be a strong form of link between nations. To illustrate, football matches played in the
Olympics
 are being watched and attended by millions of people around the world, which is an optimal chance for folk to communicate effectively, and create
long-
Correct your spelling
long-lasting
show examples
last
 relations . so it is clear from
this
 example why
this
 concept garnered a lot of support.
On the other hand
, there are several counters to
this
 argument. Others believe that the
Olympics
 is just a waste of money, which can be better directed to other events,
such
 as events related to resolving detrimental health issues.
In other words
, there are several deeply rooted problems in our world today, which need more funds to be overcome, As an illustration, more hospitals are needed in many parts of the globe, in order to get rid of serious illnesses, that threaten the population , especially in the developing countries. When looking at
this
 example, there is no doubt that there are many people assuming that
Olympics
Correct article usage
the Olympics
show examples
 does not deserve that cash. Bottom line, after looking at both sides of
this
 discussion, my personal sentiments are on par with the idea suggesting that
Olympics
Correct article usage
the Olympics
show examples
 is a waste of money. Hopefully, better fund allocation will be processed.
Submitted by moo.elnokrashy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay addresses both views and provides a conclusion that reflects the writer's opinion, the overall response could be strengthened by a more comprehensive discussion with explicit topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Organize ideas and arguments in a more logical manner, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that the essay flows smoothly from one point to the next. Transition words can be utilized more effectively to enhance the clarity of the argument progression.
task achievement
Support your main points with more relevant, detailed and specific examples or evidence to illustrate arguments more convincingly. General statements should be supplemented with precise information to add depth to the essay.
coherence cohesion
Strive to vary sentence structure and vocabulary to demonstrate linguistic range and avoid repetitive language. Check for and correct any grammatical errors or awkward phrasing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Global unity
  • Nationalism
  • Sportsmanship
  • Economic benefits
  • Tourism
  • Infrastructure
  • Investments
  • Opportunity cost
  • Public services
  • Environmental impact
  • Sustainability
  • Cultural festivals
  • Global forums
  • Financial planning
  • Responsible
What to do next:
Look at other essays: