IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think iot is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#sports #professionals #money #people #professions #iot
Opinions are divided based on the view that sports professionals are alright with their big deal of money as they earned during their matches and how unfair it is as many people think. Based on the experience with
sportperson
 friends of mine, I would rather say that
this
 view is fair enough for them to collect penny as much as they like. Becoming a
sportperson
 does need many requirements,
besides
 of their specific sport skill, professionals like them have to be giving all the best of their youth,
in contrast
 like many other teenagers who can still decide what they want to be. Dedicated athlete, strictly just need to walk on the path they have already decided.
Moreover
, all the time cosumed to conduct exercise and plenty training activities.
This
also
 apply to all the injuries they have had during matches. Many of injuries, sometimes uncureable, which make it hard to accept for those who swam into it. All the early hard works for the trainers, oftenly mentioned as investment,
such
 as: time given, cost incurred to hire trainers/areas, medication needed, disciplinary, and so on. No wonder that successful sports professionals collect bunch of penny of their achievements.
While
 for those who dislike the return in investment of sportspersons may only conclude it as a book cover, what I probably deliver my opinion towards
this
 view are:
first,
people don't know how much cost incurred at the start phase when someone decide to be a
sportperson
 and
second,
sportperson
 only limited for specific range of age, most of them are only in youth.
Thus
, the money they earn will
also
 cover for the
further
 age when they become pensions.
To sum up
, I strongly agree that sportspersons mhay earn great deal of money as much as they dedicate their professionalism on sport area.
Submitted by aghnia.ulhaq on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay presents ideas in a somewhat organized manner but lacks clear, logical transitions between them, which can leave readers struggling to follow the argument. To improve, consider planning the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, each serving a distinct purpose. The introduction should outline the main points that will be discussed, while body paragraphs should each focus on one main idea, introduced with a topic sentence and supported with examples or explanations. The conclusion should then summarize the main points and restate the writer's opinion.
task achievement
The response is overall complete, but it lacks focus in places and some of the ideas could be developed further. When discussing views that disagree with your own, it is important to explore these perspectives thoroughly before stating your own position. To improve, ensure that each paragraph develops a singular, clear idea that contributes to your overall argument, and back up each point with specific examples or evidence. Avoid generalizations and strive to maintain a balanced discussion until you present your own conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: