IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time what are the causes of this continue rise? what would be the measures to address the greatest problem faced by humanity?

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The condition of living has been aggravated by the continuous rise of human
population
Use synonyms
 in the modern world. The outcome is serious , especially in developing countries where the number of people rises at an accelerated speed. I believe
this
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 is primarily attributed to social factors and that automation would play a significant role in minimizing the problem. The most important factor in promoting overpopulation is the prevalence of child labour in developing nations where the deprivation of
children
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's rights is more common.
In other words
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,
children
Use synonyms
 are more expected to work in a significant workforce
while
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 they are still young and immature.
For instance
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, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a dominant number of child labourers working in coffee industries as they are often forced to carry heavy loads of beans on their heads to support the local business. Since they heavily rely on the work of
children
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, the government is more resistant to regulating the birth rates to secure their profits.
As a result
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, the
population
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 in the colonized countries booms dramatically
due to
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 their rising expectations from adults and the expanding roles that
children
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 have to play in society. In order to control the growing
population
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, the introduction of technology should be promoted in every aspect of life.
For example
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, the heavy workloads of young labour should be replaced by machines which can gather a larger amount of beans automatically without depending on their actual workforce. To tell the truth, the laborious work done by
children
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 is no longer necessary, which puts less stress on adults to keep up with the rising demands.
Therefore
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, there will be less fear of
population
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 growth when people can gain essential help from technology that eventually reduces the human workload. In conclusion, the biggest reason behind the current trend of overpopulation is the continuous dependence on child labour for a long history, which has made them a significant workforce to support the local economy.
Consequently
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, the use of advanced robots and machines will make an incredible contribution to bringing about social changes and people can have better control of the birthrates.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that the essay directly addresses all parts of the task prompt. The examination of causes was narrow, attributing overpopulation only to child labour, not considering other critical factors such as lack of education, poor access to contraception, or cultural norms. Expand your scope in examining the causes for a more complete response.
Task Achievement
In addressing the measures to tackle the issue, your recommendation is technology-focused and not broad enough. Measures to address overpopulation should include a variety of solutions like education, policy changes, healthcare improvements, etc. Aim for a wider range of solutions to fully respond to the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
The coherence of your essay benefits from distinct paragraphs and a logical flow of ideas. However, clearer topic sentences and better-developed paragraphs would enhance readability and structure.
Task Achievement
While examples were provided, they were not entirely relevant to the broader issue of global population rise. More pertinent examples and in-depth explanations would assist in supporting your main points effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and make sure they accurately help the reader follow the argument. Avoid overusing certain phrases and aim for varied, precise linking words and transition phrases.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Population explosion
  • Birth rate
  • Mortality rate
  • Life expectancy
  • Family planning
  • Contraceptive methods
  • Sex education
  • Population control
  • Sustainability
  • Global development
  • Demographic transition
  • Reproductive health
  • Infant mortality
  • Fertility rate
  • Societal norms
  • Educational attainment
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