IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Wild animal have no place in the 21st century, so protecting them is a waste of resources. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#place #st #century #waste #resources
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Nowadays, there is a proliferation of discussions about animal captivity.
Nevertheless
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, some people consider that the animal relocating in one place is the extravagancy budgeting. I personally do not entirely accept
this
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, and I will explain why.
Firstly
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, many forests or
animals
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' homes have changed to other functions. There are many woodlands were destroyed for city expansion.
Hence
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, it can impact the
animals
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' loss of homes.
For instance
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, Indonesia's government has a project to move the capital city from Jakarta to Kalimantan, which is the area of the new administrative city planned in the central forests.
This
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 area needs to destroy the forests massively, and It
gives
Verb problem
makes
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 a significant contribution to the disappearing of animal habitats.
As a result
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,
it is clear that
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 relocating wildlife in an open-range zoo is very important for the sustainability of
animals
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.
Secondly
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, one of the reasons for the importance of animal sanctuaries is to prevent the animal from extinction. Some wildlife
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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have experienced species disappearance,
such
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 as Orang Utan in Kalimantan.
Besides
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 that, it can protect wildlife from illegal hunters, which is, as reports from some research, the increase of animal endangered caused by many animal killers illegally.
Therefore
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, to solve
this
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 problem is making places like animal captivity.
To conclude
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, I strongly disagree with some people who consider building zoo parks a waste of money because it is a significant benefit for
animals
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 who are experiencing home loss and saves them from massive hunters.
Consequently
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, it is recommended that building animal shelters can keep their survival.
Submitted by maqbul.mohammad.m on

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task response
Your introduction is clear but could be stronger by explicitly stating whether you agree or disagree and touching briefly on your main points.
coherence cohesion
Work on maintaining a logical flow between paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases to link ideas more effectively.
task response
Try to be more specific in your examples and elaborate on the explanations to provide a clearer picture. For instance, provide more detail about the impact of moving the capital city in Indonesia on specific animal species.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task response
You provided relevant examples, like the case of Indonesia's capital city relocation and the threat to the Orang Utan. This strengthens your argument.
task response
You addressed the topic well by explaining both the loss of habitat and the threats from illegal hunting as reasons for protecting wildlife in the 21st century.
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