IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many parents send their children abroad to study. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the phenomenon.

#parents #children #study #phenomenon
People often send their kids to learn overseas which
gave
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
 the pros and cons for the situation. Going abroad
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
 the
children
 in a good way and in a bad way.
This
 essay will provide
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 discussion about it. First of all,
children
 who
went
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
 abroad
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
study
 are expected to get more quality in terms of education which can be provided by overseas learning
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
show examples
. The quality of education focuses more
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how different perspectives are experienced in
other part
Change the wording
another part
other parts
show examples
 of
region
Add an article
the region
a region
show examples
 which
forced
Wrong verb form
forces
show examples
children
 to
study
 abroad. The skills and experiences they get in another country will force them to be a better person in the future.
Moreover
, some
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 are developed enough
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
giving
Verb problem
provide
show examples
 advanced facilities with
its
Change the word
a
show examples
 long history towards educational
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
 like Oxford University
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
titled
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one of the oldest
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
show examples
 in the world.
In contrast
, forcing young people to go abroad will cost more unnecessary money to overspend because going overseas
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 a lot of
maintenances
Correct your spelling
maintenance
 like living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
 and transportation
bill
Fix the agreement mistake
bills
show examples
. If the
children
 are unprepared to face the condition, they will not use the opportunity to gain more knowledge but they will just mess things up
due to
 their immatureness
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for the lack of consumption management skills.
In addition
, it is useless to expect young people
for facing
Change preposition
to face
show examples
 difficult
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
 when their parents
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 not around.
Study
Wrong verb form
Studying
show examples
 in their local community and institution
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 enough to just
getting
Change the form of the verb
get
show examples
 more wisdom.
To conclude
, it is pivotal to underline that
study
Replace the word
studying
show examples
 abroad generally
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 better opportunities and experiences for young folks to learn more even though it is known as practically expensive and challenging. Parents can send their
children
 to learn in
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
 as long as they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 capable
to manage
Change preposition
of managing
show examples
 themselves and they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 given
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more money to pay the bills
needed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay has a recognisable structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, but transitions between ideas could be smoother, and paragraphing can be enhanced to improve readability. There is a need for a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to establish the subject discussion.
task achievement
The task is partially fulfilled, with an attempt made to discuss advantages and disadvantages. However, the development of ideas is uneven and lacks depth. The examples provided are insufficiently specific and do not entirely support the main points. Further elaboration with concrete examples is necessary to strengthen the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: