IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

For many people the reason they work hard is to earn money. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no doubt these days that hard
work
Use synonyms
 is the predominant reason to be wealthy, which is one of the
way
Change to a plural noun
ways
show examples
 to raise
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
income. The question is, do many people
work
Use synonyms
 extra time to get more
money
Use synonyms
 or not? In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to discuss both views and draw my own opinion. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, nowadays, earning
money
Use synonyms
 is considered crucially important to get a comfortable life. The main reason to support
this
Linking Words
 claim is that 70% of people
work
Use synonyms
 more than the actual business hours;
as a result
Linking Words
, making more
money
Use synonyms
 could help them
either
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
provide the basic needs of life,
such
Linking Words
 as food, shelter, and so on, or live without any troubles. To exemplify, if you have extra
money
Use synonyms
, you will not need to loan
money
Use synonyms
 from a bank or someone.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some people are working hard to achieve their life goals.
Firstly
Linking Words
, being an active employee will attract your boss,
thus
Linking Words
 you will feel more satisfied and appreciated.
Secondly
Linking Words
, passion is demanded in our job.
In other words
Linking Words
, if you are in a medical workplace, it is necessary to put in more effort and be patient.
For example
Linking Words
, if you are a doctor, you have to be ready for anything at any time; The main cause to withstand
this
Linking Words
 pressure
work
Use synonyms
 is passion. In
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 nutshell, I acknowledge that
money
Use synonyms
 is essential in our lives and that we should
work
Use synonyms
 hard to earn it.
Although
Linking Words
 we need to make extra
money
Use synonyms
, passion is
also
Linking Words
 mandatory to avoid job burnout.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear logical structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Introduce your topic, develop each idea in separate paragraphs, and end with a summarizing conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
While you have provided an introduction and conclusion, aim for more clarity and distinction between them. Start with a hook in your introduction and end with a punchy conclusion that echoes your thesis without simply repeating it.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points are supported, but aim to further develop them with more specific examples and arguments. Use real-world statistics, anecdote, or a hypothetical situation that effectively illustrates your point.
Task Achievement
Ensure you address all parts of the task, including agreeing or disagreeing with the statement given. Provide a clear opinion and stick to it throughout the essay.
While your response is relevant, strive to provide more comprehensive explanations of your ideas through deeper analysis. Make sure each paragraph elaborates on a single idea,
Task Achievement
Task Achievement
Enhance your examples by making them more specific and directly related to your argument. Personal examples or universally recognizable situations could be more effective.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • necessities
  • monetary rewards
  • quality of life
  • luxury items
  • dependents
  • responsibility
  • pursue
  • personal interests
  • cultural pressures
  • wealth accumulation
  • fulfillment
  • visible measure
  • correlate
  • secure future
  • comfortable lifestyle
  • entertainment
What to do next:
Look at other essays: