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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some cultures value elderly people more, while other cultures value the youth more. discuss both views and give your opinion.

#cultures #value #people #youth
The
culture
 and tradition play a crucial role in society. The elder generation
adhere
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adheres
show examples
some
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to some
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 old-fashioned indigenous
culture
while
 the younger population follow the modern
culture
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both viewpoints and why I support the youngster's modern
culture
. On the one hand, in
this
 modern era, youngsters prefer to follow the modern
lifestyle
 with technology. They can easily download any
informations
Correct your spelling
information
 from the internet within a fraction of a second and they can communicate with others through social media
instead
 of face-to-face interaction.
For example
, adults prefer to use advanced technological devices
so that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to get a modern
lifestyle
 as compared to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 past lives. Ergo, I strongly agree that the younger population
like
Replace the word
likes
show examples
 to give more importance
in
Change preposition
to
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 the modern
lifestyle
.
On the other hand
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older people adhere
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 traditional-based
on
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apply
show examples
culture
 and they do not prefer to alter their
values
. They still like to do handwork and they prefer to communicate with people directly
instead
 of virtually because they used to live without technological periods.
For instance
, because numerous elders do not have a smartphone, they do not know how to use it. Because the older generation
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not adapt
the
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to the
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 modern era, they like to follow the old-fashioned
values
 and elderly folks give more importance
the
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to the
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 old-fashioned
values
.
To conclude
,
this
 essay I argued that
while
 youngsters
are preferred
Wrong verb form
prefer
show examples
 to live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a modern
lifestyle
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
senior citizens adhere the traditional
values
.
However
, personally, I prefer
to
Change preposition
that
show examples
 the younger generations have more
values
 and they follow the modern
lifestyle
.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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coherence cohesion
The essay should have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion which are all well-connected. You provided an introduction and conclusion, but the main ideas within the body paragraphs were not well-developed and lacked cohesion between them. Improve the logical flow of ideas and ensure that each paragraph has a single, clear focus that is expanded upon.
task achievement
While the essay does attempt to address the task by discussing both views, there is a lack of clear, comprehensive explanations. The response could be improved significantly by providing in-depth reasoning and analysis, and by using a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures. Relevant specific examples were lacking, making the arguments less convincing.
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