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Band 0.5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children
Genetics play a big role in making children fat. Many times,the reason why numerous girls and boys gain excessive weight is
due to
 the genes coming from their parents or even their grandparents, proking
on
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them a predisposition to obesity. Since
this
 condition is inherited, there is nothing that parents can really do about it so it makes no sense punishing them.
For instance
, recent research shows that the reason why 50% of children in the US were above 30
in
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on
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 the BMI scale was because of their specific DNA characteristics.
Submitted by tamaracheroki on

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introduction/conclusion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which are crucial for establishing context and summarizing the main argument. Including these would provide a more structured and cohesive argument. The main point about genetics is mentioned but not fully developed or supported with a range of strong examples or explanations.
supporting main points
The essay presents a basic argument that genetics is the primary reason for childhood obesity, but this point is not supported by a variety of examples or evidence. To enhance the essay, include more specific and detailed examples, and explain how these relate to the overall argument. Additionally, consider presenting a counterargument to show a balanced view.
task response
The response only partially addresses the prompt, with limited development of ideas and examples. The statement provided about genetics and obesity is too general. To improve, explicitly state whether you agree or disagree with the statement in the prompt and elaborate with detailed arguments, including both sides of the argument if possible.
coherence
The essay would benefit from a clearer structure, including distinct paragraphs for the introduction, body, and conclusion. Use topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to introduce main points, and subsequent sentences to explain and support these points. Cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, can also improve the flow of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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