IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In today’s world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantage of owing a smartphone outweigh the disadvantage?

#today’s #world #people #smartphone #advantage
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In the era of digital
technology
, the commonality of
people
 owning a smartphone is a topic for consideration. It is the writer’s view that the exchange of information over distances and the accessibility of smartphones outweigh the lack of attention in users. The most advantageous feature of the
technology
 is that it provides users the ability to connect with others with a similar device. By converting and transferring data, the digital device allows
people
 to chat and make calls with the subject they want without meeting face to face.
As a result
,
people
 can work and study effectively in groups, they
also
 benefit in their personal life by chatting with their friends or online shopping. Another benefit worth mentioning is the accessibility to advanced phones these days. The prices of owning a modern phone are reducing
due to
 the invention of new models which leave the older ones outdated and losing their value.
Therefore
, the lower class nowadays can get for themselves a usable advanced
technology
 and the more
people
 using the phone, the more connective the world gets. Take Vietnam as an example, 10 years ago, owning a telephone was harder than a middle-class child gets a Sam Sung today. One of the primary concerns of using these kinds of
technology
 is that it deprives attention and leaves the owner vulnerable to the surroundings. Many
people
 believe that texting
while
 driving is one of the main reasons leading to accidents.
This
 may be true to some extent, but many devices have features that lock themselves, preventing the driver from using them.
Furthermore
, most of the cars allow
people
 to make calls
while
 driving, which can assist the driver significantly. In conclusion, the fear of neglecting surroundings is outweighed by the phone’s characteristic which communicates from afar and its availability in the modern day. Henceforth, having a mobile phone is completely acceptable.

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task achievement
The essay introduces and concludes the argument effectively, but it could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that directly addresses the question of whether the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
You have organized your ideas logically, but transitions between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. Additionally, linking phrases should be used more consistently to better connect ideas.
task achievement
To strengthen the argument, provide more detailed and specific examples to support your main points. This will help illustrate the benefits and drawbacks clearly.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and that all supporting sentences are relevant to that idea. This will improve the clarity of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Accessibility
  • Instantaneous
  • Social networking
  • Navigation
  • Digital payments
  • Distraction
  • Productivity
  • Cybersecurity
  • Ergonomics
  • Addiction
  • Data privacy
  • Prolonged exposure
  • Blue light
  • Cognitive impact
  • Screen time
What to do next:
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