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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the table below shows the numbers of students at a malaysian secondari school during two school years. the charts show the result of surveys asking the students what their favorite sports is

the table below shows the numbers of students at a malaysian secondari school during two school years. the charts show the result of surveys asking the students what their favorite sports is
The given table displays the quantity of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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students
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Malaysian secondary education between 2004 to 2005 and 2014 to 2015, whilst the pie charts describe a survey
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 engaged in their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 in that given period.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of
students
Use synonyms
 experienced
a
Change the article
an
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 upward trend after ten years ,
while
Linking Words
 the survey reported that after a decade the percentage of
students
Use synonyms
 participating in basketball and football witnessed
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 increase, tennis and swimming had a downward trend, just rugby
remined
Correct your spelling
remained
 the same in the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
students
Use synonyms
 involved in
this
Linking Words
 sport over a decade.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in the school year 2004-2005, there were 73,000
students
Use synonyms
 at a Malaysian secondary school. The figure
increase
Replace the word
increased
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 by 18, 000
Students
Use synonyms
 in 2014-2015. In
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
2004-2005 Of those, 15 %
Use synonyms
students
Change preposition
of students
show examples
attracted
Add a missing verb
were attracted
show examples
 to basketball
sports
Use synonyms
, albeit not as great as football's ( 30 %).
this
Linking Words
 figure
then
Linking Words
 increased after ten years to 35 % and 40 % respectively.
in contrast
Linking Words
, Tennis which was the most popular
Use synonyms
sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Malaysian secondary education at 40 % in 2004-2005 had a decrease in the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
students
Use synonyms
 involved in
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
to
become
Verb problem
apply
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15 % in 2014-2015.
like wise
Correct your spelling
likewise
show examples
 the tennis,
swimming
Correct word choice
and swimming
show examples
 figure decreased to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half (5 %) in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ten years later.
in addition
Linking Words
, the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
students
Use synonyms
 participating in rugby
had
Verb problem
did
show examples
 not change during the given period with 5 %
Use synonyms
students
Change preposition
of students
show examples
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, proportion, sports with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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