IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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People
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 like sweet food and drink. Currently, food and beverages that contain high levels of
sugar
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 are
at
Change preposition
within
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 our reach by just buying from the nearest minimarkets.
However
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, consuming too much
sugar
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 and not
balanced
Add a missing verb
being balanced
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 with adequate physical activity will lead to various health problems,
such
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 as diabetes. Many
people
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 suggest the price of sugary
products
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 should be priced more to make
people
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 consume them less. From the given recommendation, I would disagree because of two reasons.
First,
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people
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 with medium to high income will still be able to afford these
products
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 because simply they have money, and they want to enjoy it.
For instance
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, workers with high salaries can buy a beverage that contains a high level of
sugar
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 because they think the drink will cure their stress of working.
Therefore
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, the government should think of another approach that restrains these groups of
people
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 from buying sugary
products
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.
Second,
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not only increasing the price of the product, but manufacturers
also
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 need to inform
people
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 of the
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 of consuming sweet
products
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,
such
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 as informing from the package.
For instance
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, smoke
products
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 display the image of
people
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 who
get
Verb problem
are
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 affected severely by smoking. In
this
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 case, manufacturers can stick a tiny poster of
people
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 who are overweight as the effect of excessive consumption of
sugar
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 behind the product. I believe
people
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 will be interested in reading the poster
while
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 drinking. In conclusion, increasing the prices of sugary
products
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 is not an effective way to encourage
people
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 to consume less sugary foods and drinks. The action must think about the citizens who are still able to afford the
products
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.
In addition
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, the government can mandate the producers to add a display of the effect of
sugar
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 without limit to increase the awareness of the
people
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.

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task achievement
You have made some relevant points and provided a clear stance in your introduction and conclusion. However, try to explore your arguments in more depth to strengthen your task response.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical structure by clearly separating and developing each argument in its own paragraph. This will improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure each main point is well-supported with specific, detailed examples. This will make your arguments more persuasive.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which gives your writing a nice structure.
task achievement
You have made a clear effort to support your points with relevant examples, ensuring a more comprehensive response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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