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Writing Samples
Band 7

MODERN CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING FROM THE DISEASE THAT WERE ONCE CONSIDERED BEING MEANT FOR ADULTS ONLY. WHAT ARE THE CAUSES AND WHAT SOLUTIONS CAN BE OFFERED

#children #disease #adults
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Nowadays, even newborn
children
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 can catch certain
diseases
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 like obesity, cancer and cardiovascular arrests which used to be prevalent among adults only. I uphold the view that
although
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 a few drastic changes occurring in today's world have an exponential impact on the
quality
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 of life,
therefore
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, lowering the age bar for the record of deadly deadly
diseases
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 among young people, some decisive measures can be put into action. First and foremost, as the number of people increases in the world, the
quality
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 of natural products is deteriorating to supply the rising demand by compromising the
quality
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. Consequentially, scientists and farmers develop genetically modified products that lay the foundation for the prevalence of
diseases
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 that once rarely be seen among juveniles. To illustrate, the majority of foods in the markets have multiple ingredients that create excess calories,
then
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 eventually leading to obesity.
Additionally
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,
besides
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 the
quality
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 of food, the
lifestyle
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 of the young generation has
also
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 experienced a dramatic transition from an active and playful
lifestyle
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 to a sedentary
lifestyle
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 consisting of playing video games and the Internet. It goes without saying that heart-related
diseases
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 are increasing among
children
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 who pursue an inactive
lifestyle
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. A possible solution to
this
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 problem would be to ban the production of engineered foods that pose a formidable threat to the safety of the young generation. In order to scale up
this
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 prevention operation, the government's involvement is ideal and only they can abolish previously given approvals on these labs that conduct research and investigation into these kinds of products.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 should be encouraged to attend sports activities at both schools and homes so that they can avoid contracting
diseases
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such
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 as obesity and heart illness. In conclusion, despite modified foods and passive lifestyles being the leading causes of the spread of
diseases
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 among the members of younger generations, with the help of the government and responsible parents,
children
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 can be motivated to become immune to those
diseases
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.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea to maintain clarity and coherence. Some paragraphs may benefit from a clearer central focus.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to structure your essay smoothly, but avoid overuse or incorrect use that can lead to a lack of clarity.
coherence cohesion
Work on the development of main points by expanding your explanations and consistently linking them back to the question throughout the essay.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task to achieve a higher score in task achievement. This includes discussing causes and solutions comprehensively.
task achievement
Make your ideas clear and easy to understand by organizing them logically and expanding on them with relevant details.
task achievement
Incorporate a wider range of specific and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments and to show a clear understanding of the topic.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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