IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting hapinness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Some
people
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 believe that
money
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 is one of the most important factors in achieving
happiness
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.
While
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 having sufficient
money
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 can certainly make
life
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 more comfortable, I believe that
people
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 can be happy without being wealthy. In fact, relationships, good health and a
sense
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 of purpose can contribute significantly to a person’s
happiness
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.
To begin
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 with,
money
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 is important because it provides
people
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 with financial security and allows them to afford basic necessities. Having enough income to pay for food, housing, healthcare and education can reduce stress and provide a
sense
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 of stability.
Moreover
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,
money
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 gives
people
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 opportunities to enjoy leisure activities, travel and pursue their interests.
However
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, once
people
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 have enough
money
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 to meet their essential needs, earning more does not necessarily make them happier.
For example
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, a person with a modest income may lead a satisfying
life
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 if they have a supportive family and a strong social circle. There are several other factors that can have a greater influence on
happiness
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. First and foremost, meaningful relationships are essential because
people
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 generally need emotional support and companionship. Spending quality time with family members and close friends can create a
sense
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 of belonging that
money
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 cannot easily provide. Good physical and mental health is another important factor. A person who is healthy is more likely to enjoy everyday activities and maintain a positive outlook on
life
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.
Furthermore
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, having a
sense
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 of purpose,
such
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 as a fulfilling career, personal goals or helping others, can give
people
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 satisfaction and make their lives more meaningful. In conclusion,
although
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money
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 is necessary for meeting basic needs and achieving financial security, it is not the only source of
happiness
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. Strong relationships, good health and a meaningful purpose in
life
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 can be equally, or even more, important.
Therefore
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,
people
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 can certainly live happy and fulfilling lives without having a great deal of
money
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.

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task response
Add one more real or clear example for health or purpose. For example, you could explain how a person who helps others may feel happy even if they do not earn much.
task response
Make the idea about money a little more exact. You could say that money helps most when it pays for basic needs, but extra money may not bring the same kind of joy.
coherence and cohesion
Your links are good, but do not use too many at the start of sentences. Sometimes you can link ideas by using words from the last sentence, such as “This support” or “Such a purpose”.
coherence and cohesion
The second body paragraph has three ideas. It is clear, but you could give each idea a little more space, or use two body paragraphs: one for relationships and health, and one for purpose.
task response
You answer both parts of the question clearly. You say that people can be happy without a lot of money, and you give clear reasons: close family and friends, good health, and a purpose in life.
task response
Your ideas are on topic and easy to understand. The example of a person with a modest income and a supportive family helps show your main point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main body parts, and a closing. Each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as “To begin with”, “Moreover”, “However”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”. These help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • basic needs
  • financial security
  • a comfortable standard of living
  • make ends meet
  • financial stress
  • material possessions
  • lasting happiness
  • close-knit relationships
  • emotional support
  • physical and mental health
  • a sense of purpose
  • personal fulfilment
  • job satisfaction
  • work-life balance
  • sense of achievement
  • quality of life
  • supportive community
  • feel safe and valued
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