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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that paretnts should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #paretnts #children #members #society #school #place
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Many people argue that home is the place to teach children to be great members in
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 others
convinced
Add a missing verb
are convinced
show examples
 that it is the job
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 teachers in
school
Use synonyms
. After exploring both viewpoints,
this
Linking Words
 essay will suggest that both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 have
this
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 role equally.
Parents
Use synonyms
 are the first reliable people for children to learn so many things since they were
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
. It is undeniable that kids have a tendency to follow
Correct article usage
the behavior
show examples
behavior
Correct article usage
the behavior
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 of their
parents
Use synonyms
, especially in their golden age at under 5 years old. Linked to
this
Linking Words
 fact, the attitude and
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
 that child
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 learned from their
parents
Use synonyms
 will
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
on
Change preposition
to
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 how they
Use synonyms
life
Replace the word
live
show examples
 after
get
Change the verb form
getting
show examples
 into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
. When
parents
Use synonyms
 always say thank you after getting some help,
for instance
Linking Words
,
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 possibly bring
this
Linking Words
habbit
Correct your spelling
habit
 to their daily
life
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, schools become the second home for
child
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
 as they spend numerous of their time in
Linking Words
this place
Fix the agreement mistake
these places
show examples
start
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 from
kindergarden
Correct your spelling
kindergarten
 until senior high
school
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.
In here
Change preposition
Here
show examples
, students will not only study
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
education but
also
Linking Words
value
Add an article
the value
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
 in preparation
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 being part of society.
For example
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, In Indonesia,
this
Linking Words
 effort might be seen in the program of
school
Use synonyms
 that
having
Change the form of the verb
has
show examples
 a course for character. By doing
this
Linking Words
, understanding of how to be a good member
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 society will be
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
time
Change preposition
from time
show examples
 to time. In conclusion, the first
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who might influence kids in
value
Correct article usage
the value
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
 are
parents
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, schools
also
Linking Words
 have
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important role
to raise
Change preposition
in raising
show examples
 the character of children. In my opinion,
parents
Use synonyms
 and
school
Use synonyms
 are both necessary in
create
Change the verb form
creating
show examples
 kids to be good
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 in society.
Submitted by joyapakpahan on

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task achievement
Ensure to discuss both views symmetrically and provide equal treatment to each while discussing your own opinion.
task achievement
Develop more relevant and detailed examples to support your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
Transition smoothly between ideas and paragraphs to enhance readability and flow.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas more clearly and avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
Check for grammatical accuracy and word choice to clarify your position without ambiguity.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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