IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

#museums #charge #admission #people
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There are a number of
museums
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 around the globe, some of which ask visitors to pay for
admission
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. Under the circumstances, there has been contention over whether
people
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 must be charged for
admission
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 when they enter a museum. I strongly believe that
admission
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 fees for
museums
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 are crucial, as they significantly aid in maintaining the quality of work in
museums
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 and
also
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 amplify
people
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’s serious attitude towards artworks.
To begin
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, enforcing charges for
admission
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 may steer
people
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 around visiting
museums
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. Take an art gallery
for example
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,
although
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 it encompasses a wide range of products, ranging from stunning portraits to scenery drawings,
people
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 do not obtain any objects or gifts.
Hence
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, more often than not,
people
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 would not find it worthwhile paying invaluable money for their visit.
As a result
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 of
this
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, the majority of
people
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 who are not keen on seeing arts could be deprived of their opportunities to ignite their interests in arts, leading them to disconnect from
museums
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.
However
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, no charge for
admission
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 to
museums
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 does not necessarily guarantee that
people
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 start to generate their interest. In my experience, when I went to
museums
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 with my peers, which were completely free, we were more inclined to have a look at all the materials less seriously and vice-versa.
Therefore
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, the experience gained from visiting complementary
museums
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 will not develop any positive emotions in artworks. Rather, we may begin to take those precious pictures lightly.
Furthermore
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, most importantly, the money gathered for
museums
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 will contribute to retaining the quality of services and products, which is of paramount importance to keep the
museums
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 flourishing. In conclusion,
while
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admission
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 free may attract more
people
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 to come to
museums
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, from my perspective, we are less likely to appreciate the value of the work in
such
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 a situation. If anything, considering keeping the products in good condition should be far more prioritised, and in order to do so, I argue that we must invest money in
museums
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 by paying entrance fees.
Submitted by artical5er7 on

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Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear position throughout the response, addressing the advantages and disadvantages of charging for museum admission. However, it could benefit from more detailed development of the main points, including more specific examples and explanations to support the assertions made.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've organized the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, you could enhance the logical flow by using a wider range of cohesive devices and linking phrases. Additionally, ensuring paragraph unity by focusing each on a single main idea could improve the coherence of your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Admission fee
  • Revenue stream
  • Maintenance
  • Overcrowding
  • Commercialization
  • Cultural heritage
  • Diverse attendance
  • Community ownership
  • Access to culture
  • Visitor experience
  • Exhibit quality
  • Cultural mission
  • Reliance on funding
  • Government subsidies
  • Cultural accessibility
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