IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #communities #countries
Some individuals have their beliefs about whether
countries
 should help other nations or just let them.
Although
 I believe that people need to be more focused on their society and regionals, I disagree that we do not do anything when our friends out there are in dangerous situations.
To begin
 with, each country has some problems that are really difficult to tackle
such
 as corruption. Indonesia is one of the places that
has
Change the verb form
have
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 a lot of
this
 kind of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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, and it has already been over a hundred years but
this
 trouble has not been solved yet.
Furthermore
, poverty and unemployment still hang on even though numerous solutions have been released.
For example
, research reveals that the majority of graduates from universities tend to not have clear careers after
done
Wrong verb form
doing
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degrees
Change the noun form
degree
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 courses. That's why society needs to look into our current situation.
On the other hand
, it is evident that in
this
 modern society, there are various
countries
 that need our hands. As a human, we are sociable, and we can not live on our own. If there is a hard condition in another
countrycountry
Correct your spelling
country country
, we will give them whatever we can do. Palestine is one of the nations that has been colonised by Israel. Because of them, most citizens hardly have a chance to live in freedom.
Moreover
, eating and drinking are usual things in our daily lives, but in their country which is Palestine, they rarely get proper food or drink.
As a result
, many Indonesians began to donate and charity in order to help them.
This
 is why helping other
countries
 is crucial. In conclusion, despite the importance of developing our own country, it is excellent to be able to help other
countries
 that are in
inconvenience
Replace the word
inconvenient
show examples
 conditions.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

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task achievement
The essay presents ideas on both sides of the argument, which is good. However, there needs to be more balance and development in discussing your own opinion, as well as an explicit statement of your position.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of your essay could be improved by ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs and clearer topic sentences that introduce the main point of each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more clearly and to demonstrate a range of cohesive devices.
task achievement
Including more specific examples and ensuring that the examples provided directly support the main points would strengthen the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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