IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

in today's world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantage of owwning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantage?

#world #people #smartphone #advantage
In
this
 contemporary era, everyone has a mobile
phone
. A number of adolescents have their own personal smartphones. It provides immense knowledge to youngsters. But, spending a large amount of time using smartphones can lead to health problems.
This
 writer will discuss its advantages and disadvantages in the following paragraphs.
firstly
 , in the era of technology, everyone has a smartphone. It has many advantages
such
 as teenagers can learn many things regarding their studies. They can get deeper knowledge about any particular topic in an easy way.
Secondly
, they can learn many languages through the internet.
For example
 , most children play online
games
such
 as
games
 interstate in which kids communicate with other players from other countries. It helps them to improve their communication skills.
On the other hand
, there are some disadvantages
such
 as students spending lots of their time playing
games
instead
 of studying.
Then
 their performance in studies degrades.
Moreover
, they do not play outdoor
games
. They spend lots of their time playing online
games
 which increases health diseases
such
 as obesity,
eye
Correct word choice
and eye
show examples
 problems.
For instance
, the radiation and rays of mobile phones are really bad for health.
To conclude
, everybody has a mobile
phone
. It has advantages
such
 as providing information to the students regarding studies. It has
also
 some disadvantages
such
 as using an excess mobile
phone
 can lead to obesity. One should use
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 mobile
phone
 with a limit.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a balanced discussion on both sides of the argument, with clear topic sentences that outline the main ideas. Keep paragraphs focused and cohesive, using a range of linking words effectively.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task by providing a clear and relevant response to the question posed. Develop main points fully with appropriate detail and example where possible.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: