IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

More and more adults have continued to live with their parents for many years after they have completed education and found jobs. Do the advantages of this choice outweigh disadvantages?

#adults #parents #years #education #jobs #choice
The number of young adults who do not establish their independence from their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 even after they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 working has been increasing. In
this
 essay, I elaborate on the reasons why I strongly believe that its benefits far prevail over the drawbacks. The primary reason why I think that it is advantageous to live with their
parents
 even after gaining a job for years is that they do not have to consider their financial aspects excessively. If they try to be economically independent from their
parents
 just after completing their academic career, they will face the difficulty of making ends meet with their salary.
Conversely
, if they continue to stay with their family, they will be able to lessen their monetary burdens. Another justification for my view is that they will be able to support their
parents
. As their
parents
 get older, they usually become more feeble and need more
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
. If they live together, they will be able to take care of them more easily. In case that they live apart from each other, it will be difficult for them to contribute to their
parents
.
However
, living with
parents
also
 brings some drawbacks. One significant demerit is that it deters them from fostering their independence. As long as they share their household chores and financial budgets, they will not be able to
have
Verb problem
take
show examples
 responsibility for themselves, and they are not regarded as an independent person. In conclusion, the advantages of living with their
parents
 even after graduating from school and obtaining a job for years
such
 as receiving financial funding and bolstering their
parents
 far outweigh the drawbacks including the delay of acquiring independence. I will recommend that young adults should not leave their parent's house until they have a new family.
Submitted by takuya13sugimoto on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

relevant specific examples
Try to provide more specific examples to strengthen your argument. Including real-world scenarios or personal anecdotes can enhance your essay's effectiveness.
introduction conclusion present
Ensure your conclusion fully summarizes the main points of your essay. Reinforcing your key arguments at the end can provide a stronger finish.
introduction conclusion present
The essay presents a clear thesis statement in the introduction, outlining the main argument effectively.
logical structure
The structure of the essay is logical, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point that supports your thesis.
supported main points
You provide some good reasons to support your stance, creating a balanced argument that considers both advantages and disadvantages.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial benefit
  • supportive network
  • cultural expectations
  • family cohabitation
  • family bonds
  • lack of privacy
  • personal space
  • emotional dependency
  • mental dependency
  • life's pressures
  • inter-generational conflicts
  • lifestyle differences
  • familial relationships
What to do next:
Look at other essays: