IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

As a result of electronic inventions ,people do less physical activity and this is having a negative effect on their health . To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Due to
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 the advent of technology ,individuals perform less exercise and it is having a detrimental impact on their well-being.I totally agree with
this
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 view because of the change in attitude and dependence on artificial intelligence .The essay will explain in detail the reasons for my stance
as well as
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 examples in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
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 with,one primary cause of poor health is a change of lifestyle.In the ,past most inhabitants prefer outdoor activities like Soccer,Basketball and Volleyball which are physically demanding and help them burn a lot of fat.With the advancement in technology like phones ,computers and television.They tend to spend more time with these machines rather than outdoor games.
This
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 results in obesity because they tend to sit for a long time without burning any fat.Obesity is a factor in many diseases.
For example
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 ,Hypertension and Diabetes Mellitus are caused by Obesity.
Moreover
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,they stay glued to the screen of the computers and phones as they use them for a long time which leads to eye problems in the long run.If individuals involve themselves in outdoor games
instead
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 of indoor activities ,diseases like Hypertension will be reduced.
Secondly
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,another reason for poor well-being is dependent on modern inventions.Workers tend to do demanding work at their workplaces and with the advancement in machines they no longer perform
such
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 duties.
For instance
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 packing of products was done by individuals which helps them to burn excess fat.
Although
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 computers make work easier ,employees suffer .Companies should make workers demand jobs so that they will remove excess calories from the body. In conclusion,reliance on technology and change in behaviour are the two reasons people perform less physical activities nowadays which has resulted in poor ill health

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coherence cohesion
The essay has an understandable logical structure but could benefit from clearer transitions and a more systematic approach to presenting arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and adequately restate the topic and the writer's position, which is a positive aspect of the essay structure.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported with reasons; however, the development of these ideas can be strengthened with more varied and in-depth examples.
task achievement
The response fulfills the task with a clear position, yet the discussion could be expanded with more comprehensive coverage of the topic, including additional implications and comparisons.
task achievement
Ideas in the essay are relevant to the topic, but at times they lack clarity. Work on articulating your points more concisely and ensure that each paragraph develops a single clear idea to enhance readability.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples but lacks specificity. Try to include more detailed and specific examples or evidence to better illustrate the points made and strengthen the argument's persuasiveness.
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