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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion

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While
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 a part of the population believes that there is too
competitiveness
Correct quantifier usage
much competitiveness
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 in school that negatively impacts children, others think that
this
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 environment pushes them to achieve better results. In my opinion, despite the fact that toxic competition would indeed affect negatively children's minds, it could
also
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 push them to work harder and achieve important goals. There are many reasons why putting classmates against each other negatively impacts their growth.
Firstly
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, since they see every classmate as their competition, they tend to avoid them, remaining without friends, and becoming more isolated.
Secondly
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, in
this
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 way, they study for the sole purpose of being better than others, without caring for their education, and learning becomes an afterthought since they tend to memorize.
Lastly
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,
this
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 competitiveness will follow them all their lives, affecting every aspect of their work and
also
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 their social relationships.
However
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, creating
this
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 environment can lead to extraordinary results. Students have more motivation to study harder, trying to be the best
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and to get into the best universities, like Harvard or Stanford.
Consequently
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, their need to win makes them more resilient, and they have better discipline, which in the end results in better career prospects.
For instance
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, there are some articles that discuss
this
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 topic, especially how being a competitive person makes you a better leader and allows you to reach higher job positions. In conclusion, toxic competition can create disordered adults, who seek a win in every aspect of their lives and who cannot properly fit into society;
however
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, it can
also
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 contribute to developing important abilities,
such
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 as discipline and resilience, which are the main skills of hard workers and competent leaders

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Task Achievement
Ensure that main points are explained in more depth. For instance, delve deeper into how toxic competition can affect mental health or provide more concrete examples of positive outcomes of competition.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement. For example, using more complex sentences or a mix of short and long sentences.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make clearer connections between ideas and paragraphs. A few linking phrases could help clarify the transitions between arguments.
Task Achievement
You present a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates critical thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, setting a clear premise for the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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