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Band 4.5

In today's world many people own a smartphone .Do you thinh advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages

#world #people #smartphone #thinh
Nowadays, almost all
people
 in over the world have their
owned
Replace the word
own
show examples
 mobile phones for theirself.
This
 author argued that
people
 can receive many useful for their work and convenient for their lives. So it level up the living outweigh the disadvantages. The most advantageous factor of using a mobile phone is convenience.
In other words
,
people
 can keep in touch with their relatives who live far away.
For example
, if you are staying in Vietnam but you want to see your parents in the United Kingdom, you just take your phone and make a video call for them despite being far away.
Thus
,
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
 can help you save your money, you just stay at home and make a call or text a message. The other benefit
smartphone
 brings to users is
easy
Correct your spelling
ease
show examples
to do
Verb problem
of
show examples
 shopping online.
In other words
,
people
 can buy in many apps with the big numbers of things without going to the supermarket or shop.
Additionally
, you can read
many
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
feedback
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 previous customers.
For instance
, when
people
 buy something,they only need to take the phone and rate it from many feedbacks,
then
 they can click to buy easily.
In contrast
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphone
 has a big negative effect on
children
 because they give off blue light which is very bad for
children
's eyes and adults too. Smartphones make
children
's brains become stupid
children
 because mobile phones have lots of videos by adults but it is not suitable
so
Correct word choice
for
show examples
children
 can learn. So we won't give your
smartphone
 to
children
 to watch. In conclusion, smartphones are very helpful for
people
's lives and it has lots of benefits to help
people
 live more conveniently. In my opinion, the
smartphone
 is the best thing humans have invented.

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task achievement
The essay meets the minimum criteria for task response but demonstrates a limited use of relevant examples, missing the opportunity to provide comprehensive evidence to support the claims.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure, with an introduction and conclusion, but these components could be better developed. Transitions between ideas should be clearer and the overall organization of the essay could be improved to lead the reader through a more cohesive argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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