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Band 4

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages ?

#countries #people #population #government #society
It is thought that the issue of age is important and the world has
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 increasing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
number of old
citizens
, who are creating
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 burden in
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
authority.
While
this
 development may bring about some
benefits
 in society. I would argue that there are far more
benefits
. A major disadvantage is that old
people
 will affect the issue of budget deficit through subsidies in
moneytary
Correct your spelling
monetary
, insurance, facilities and infrastructure,...
For example
,
according to
 the law in Vietnam elder
people
had
Verb problem
are
show examples
 given money subsidy of authority as for
suspect
Fix the agreement mistake
suspects
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
over sixty years old. Many
coutries
Correct your spelling
countries
 in the world,
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will support
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the problem
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 insurance that
free-of- charge
Correct your spelling
free-of-charge
show examples
 cure and construction
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
nursing
Add an article
a nursing
the nursing
show examples
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 for elderly
people
.
Consequently
, the government must
be increase
Change the verb form
increase
show examples
 the tax
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
citizens
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to take care of the old
people
. Plus, they need to build policies leading to
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of human resources.
On the other hand
, elderly
people
 bring
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more
benefits
 and
translates
Correct subject-verb agreement
translate
show examples
 in some
of
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apply
show examples
cases
such
 as
created
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
strategy
Fix the agreement mistake
strategies
show examples
 in
sector
Correct article usage
the sector
show examples
 military and hard skills, seeing that old
people
 have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experience in the past, they can use
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
skills
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
yourself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
that served for country. Another essential point to consider is that old
people
 can make
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
job opportunities that resolve the unemployment of young
people
.
For example
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
countries in the world
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a lack of human
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 in health care
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 for old
citizens
,
this
 is
prospect
Correct article usage
a prospect
show examples
 creer as for young
citizens
, it will help the young improve
Correct pronoun usage
their bread
show examples
bread and
Add a hyphen
bread-and
show examples
 butter situation and
increasing
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 income.
Therefore
, If
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 exploits the ability of the elderly
people
, it will bring many
benefits
 to society and
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
. To sum it up, despite the
potentital
Correct your spelling
potential
 disadvantages that an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population creates problems for the government may have some negative aspects, but I believe they are overtaken by the more significant advantages for society,
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 and politics.
Submitted by jakelong16091994 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and needs an introduction that presents the topic, followed by body paragraphs with separate ideas, and a conclusion that summarizes the argument. Try to organize your ideas more logically.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a wider range of linking phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs together, creating better flow and clarity in your argument. Work on clear topic sentences to start each paragraph and utilizing cohesive devices effectively.
task achievement
To fully address the task, ensure that you explore both sides of the argument and provide a clear opinion on the extent to which one outweighs the other. Don't present new ideas in the conclusion and ensure it directly answers the question.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more fully by expanding on your points with clearer explanations and by providing specific examples to support each idea. Avoid vague or incomplete explanations of your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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