IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries , more and more people are hiring a personal fitness trainer , rather than playing sports or doing exercise classes . What are the reason for this? Is this a positive or a negative development ?

#countries #people #fitness #trainer #sports #exercise #classes #reason #development
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Nowadays in modern and developed countries , a
substaintial
Correct your spelling
substantial
 number of individuals
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a personal fitness trainer , in order to
participating
Change the verb
participate
show examples
 in exercise classes or
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 sports
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 a group of
people
 ;
hence
, I guess
this
 is a positive trend ,I will write about some of the causes which contribute to
this
 issue in
this
 essay. In my opinion, the first important reason for hiring a private fitness teacher is lack of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time
 ; in fact , in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 world
people
 have to work from dawn to dark and the pace of life
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not let them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
match with public workout classes ; to illustrate , consider someone who has to work around the clock every day and his free
time
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 limited ;
therefore
 , he can fix a suitable
time
 with a personal trainer 's
schedual
Correct your spelling
schedule
 regardless of public the
time
 and location easier.
Besids
Correct your spelling
Besides
, another fact that I could mention is that now
people
 have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
got used to loneliness more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past ;
as a result
 they prefer to
workout
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
 with a particular trainer at their home.
On the other hand
, it is crystal clear that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 caring about health and body shape is too
importent
Correct your spelling
important
, individuals
workout
Correct your spelling
working
show examples
 in private with a personal teacher is a positive trend and doing
this
 activity in
such
 a way is better than not doing anything.
To conclude
 ,
time
managing
Replace the word
management
show examples
 and loneliness are some examples to explain
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how
this
 enigma
happend
Correct your spelling
happened
happen
happens
 to
people
 around the world and in my perspective ,it is a positive
developement
Correct your spelling
development
.
Submitted by sajad.bazdar.2012 on

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Task Response
For Task Achievement: The essay does not fully address all parts of the task. There doesn't seem to be a clear discussion on why the trend is positive or negative, only an assertion that it is positive. Consider expanding on both sides of the argument and providing clearer justifications for your view.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion: The essay lacks clear logical sequencing and a range of cohesive devices. Ideas are not always logically organized, and there are challenges with punctuation and sentence structuring which impede the flow of information. Work on the use of cohesive devices, paragraphing, and sentence transition to enhance the essay's logical flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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