IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

today many people work until a later age. do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #work #age #outweigh
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In many parts of the world, people are still working after retirement
age
Use synonyms
. Some argue that continuing to work, and
therefore
Linking Words
 not being a financial burden on family members or society, is good ,
while
Linking Words
 others believe it would be better for the elderly to enjoy their golden years and make way for younger
workers
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, there are more advantages than disadvantages to working
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 old
age
Use synonyms
. Longer working
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
 bring benefits for both individuals and wider society. For
workers
Use synonyms
 themselves, the most obvious benefit is that they stay physically and mentally active,
while
Linking Words
 at the same time, earning money that
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them financially stable or at least much less of a burden on their family or the government.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, the knowledge, skills, and experience they have accumulated can be shared with younger colleagues. A third point in favour concerns countries with falling birth rates , leading to potential labour shortages. In Japan,
for example
Linking Words
, a sizable proportion of the workforce is aged over 65. If
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 group is employed, productivity levels can be maintained. Among the drawbacks, older
Use synonyms
workers
Change noun form
workers'
show examples
 diminishing enthusiasm is often viewed warily by employers. To
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 we could add their potential lack of ability to successfully keep up with the pace of technological change.
However
Linking Words
, it could be argued that sharing different skill sets with younger
workers
Use synonyms
 might negate the disadvantages. There is
also
Linking Words
 the danger that an older workforce will hinder the development of young talent if they are not allowed sufficient work opportunities.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, any organisation with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 view of the future should be able to prevent that from happening. people are living longer, and increasing numbers remain employed well beyond retirement
age
Use synonyms
 .
Although
Linking Words
 there are downsides to
this
Linking Words
 trend, I believe that they are outweighed by the advantages to both the individual and society.
Submitted by tarteeidris on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure consistency in tense usage throughout the essay to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate varied sentence structures to maintain reader interest and showcase linguistic proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Conclude each paragraph with a clear sentence that ties back to the main argument, to improve overall coherence.
task achievement
The essay presents a well-rounded discussion, considering multiple perspectives on the advantages and disadvantages of working beyond retirement age.
coherence cohesion
Logical progression of ideas throughout the essay aids in maintaining clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Effective use of examples, such as Japan's aging workforce, to support the main points discussed.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: