IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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In these modern days, the development of technology is advanced and plays an important role in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. Everyone will have some electronic gadgets
such
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 as
smartphones
Use synonyms
, laptops and tablets.
In addition
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, some
children
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 might spend a lot of time on their
smartphones
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the pros and cons of
this
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 case. There is no doubt that we can't live without
smartphones
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 in our daily lives, we use them to communicate, search for information and entertainment. There are many online classes
rise
Verb problem
apply
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these days so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 need to attend classes by using their
smartphones
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. On top of that, they will need to use search engines to get certain information or some function of it,
for example
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, Google Translate, google document and Google Forms.
Besides
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,
smartphones
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 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
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entertainment platforms for
children
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.
For instance
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, they can watch videos through YouTube. It can let them have an opportunity to learn new things.
In contrast
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, it brings some drawbacks. Normally,
children
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 don't have enough self-control, they might spend many hours on their phones. The inflation of phones will hurt their eyes and probably
have
Verb problem
cause
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 an eye sighting. In
this
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 case, they will need to wear a spec for the whole of their life,
Moreover
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,
children
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 can't focus on doing their homework after playing games on their mobile phones.
Therefore
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, student's studies and results will be affected. In a nutshell, by weighing out both
sides
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side's
sides'
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 arguments, the positive cannot sugar-coat the negative impacts. Parents should control the time that
children
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 spend on their
smartphones
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 to overcome the disadvantages.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction directly addresses the questions posed in the prompt. Your current introduction is too general and doesn't clearly outline your position on whether children spending hours on their smartphones is positive or negative.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more logical structure by having clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that signal the main point you will discuss. Avoid having paragraphs that seem to list ideas without expanding on them.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. General statements such as 'It can let them learn new things' lack the illustrative detail needed to strengthen an argument. Include real-world examples or statistics to support your points.
task achievement
Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay and states a clear opinion. The current conclusion is weak as it does not reflect on the arguments presented and does not make your position clear.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and vocabulary. There are several errors throughout your essay which could be avoided with careful proofreading and practicing advanced grammatical structures.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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