IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The rise of social media has affected personal relationships and society as a hole. Do the advantages of using social media for communication outweigh the disadvantages?

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In
this
Linking Words
 digital world, more and more people gravitate towards online communication. from my perspective,
this
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 approach, albeit somewhat beneficial, may come at
an
Correct article usage
the
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 expense of more pronounced drawbacks. On the one hand, communicating through social networking sites is advantageous. One prominent benefit is that it allows people to contact
even
Correct pronoun usage
us even
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 when we are far away from others. As a matter of fact, there
exists
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exist
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severals
Correct your spelling
several
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 apps,
for instance
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, Discord, Messenger and Twitter that make phone calls now quicker, more convenient and economical when compared with the traditional paper method which necessitates
delivery
Correct article usage
the delivery
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 man we used in the past.
In addition
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, as we are using the same network, we can now broaden our social circle and make friends with
foreigner
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foreigners
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 in order to widen our
horizon
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horizons
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 about their long-established cultures.
This
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 acts as a bond to strengthen the relationship between nations.
On the other hand
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, I am convinced that the aforementioned advantages pale in
comparion
Correct your spelling
comparison
 with the disadvantages of online contact.
First,
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overdependence on social media may affect human well-being.
Since too
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Too
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 much exposure to blue screens can result in myopia and increase the risk of obesity if we spend too much time glued to our
chair
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chairs
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 chatting with friends. Worse still, the lack of face-to-face interaction deprives people of public speaking skills.
In other words
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, we will feel ashamed and withdrawn from the crown as can be witnessed in the case of Vietnamese students coming back to school after the COVID-19 lockdown. To summarise,
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while
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apply
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communicating on virtual platforms is far more convenient and easier to find friends.
This
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 writer
claim
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claims
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 that these advantages are arguable and that the disadvantages are more glaring, as seen in how it impacts
on
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apply
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our health and soft skills.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to logically organize your ideas with clear paragraphing and linking words. Your essay showed acceptable organization but some points were not as coherent as they could be.
Task Achievement
Your essay should have a clear position throughout. The way you expressed your points intermittently met this requirement; however, further clarification and focus are required.
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