IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

New technologies present children with new possibilities and potential danger. Discuss the advantage and disadvantage of technology on children in todays society.

#technologies #children #possibilities #danger #advantage #technology #todays #society
In the 4.0 era, the
internet
 has grown rapidly and it is applied in every field in human society. One of the things
belongs
Correct pronoun usage
that belongs
show examples
 to the
internet
 is social
media
, which is being used
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
by
people
.
This
 status brings bold advantages and disadvantages for a sense of communication among humans.
This
 essay agrees with the ideas it
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a great effect on
people
's live For the first and clearest thesis
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
social platforms had a wide range of information. Each of us has a habit we starting a new day with our phones, we always have access to social
media
 like Facebook, Instagram,Twitter,etc... to check many
internet
 news.
Moreover
, information from
media
 platforms is faster than reading traditional news, it is so convenient
due to
 holding a large paper to read is redundant and takes too much time. The info on the
internet
 is
also
 quickly than with the fast upload speed by the network.
Therefore
 social
media
 can help
people
 improve their knowledge about social status The second reason agrees with the thesis, we know that chatting become more popular,
replaced
Correct word choice
and replaced
show examples
 mail to connect
people
 from a wide range. Online mail is faster and maybe funny because
people
 can interact in a short time.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 it
support
Change the verb form
supports
show examples
 icons, and emoji
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
conservation become enthusiasts.
For example
, you have
girlfriend
Add an article
a girlfriend
show examples
 and must communicate with her but you do not have enough time,
messenger
Add an article
the messenger
a messenger
show examples
 is your solution, call video, chatting,..... you can do anything despite a far physical range Using social
media
also
 has
a harmful effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
harmful effects
a harmful effect
show examples
.
For example
,
while
 some researchers note the necessity for more research on social anxiety and social
media
 use, it is possible for
people
 with social anxiety to experience continued functional impairments — e.g., being uncomfortable or unable to form and engage in face-to-face relationships — when they replace in-person interactions with social
media
 use.
Furthermore
, failing to make or maintain in-person relationships may
also
 appear
as a consequence
 of social
media
 use.

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coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay needs a logical flow of ideas with clear connections between them. Ensure paragraphs are well-structured, each with a single central idea, and use cohesive devices appropriately.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are weak or missing, significantly impacting the coherence of your essay. Make sure your essay has a clear introductory paragraph stating your main points and a conclusion that summarises your thoughts.
coherence cohesion
To further support your points, use a range of sentence structures, and make sure each paragraph contains a clear main idea that is expanded upon with evidence and examples.
task achievement
To achieve the task, your essay should completely answer all parts of the question. Present a clear position throughout the response and avoid straying from the topic.
task achievement
A clear and comprehensive response includes well-explained ideas. Make sure you fully develop your arguments, providing depth to your analysis of the topic.
task achievement
Including relevant, specific examples strengthens your essay significantly. Use real-world examples where possible to illustrate your points and show a deeper understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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