IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Zoos are inhumane and should be abolished. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#zoos
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Some people are convinced that
animals
Use synonyms
 should live only in their own natural environments and that all places where they are confined to live in captivity must be closed. In my opinion, some sanctuaries and other structures that rescue those in need are fundamental to preserving some species.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I agree that sometimes the hygienic and living conditions are very poor, so they can damage the fauna living there.
Firstly
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, every living being should be free to stay in their natural environment, without any human interaction. Unfortunately, some species are at risk of extinction,
while
Linking Words
 some individuals are striving to survive
due to
Linking Words
 health conditions. So, in these cases, animal sanctuaries are fundamental to helping those in need,
for instance
Linking Words
 by feeding and healing weak members or by protecting endangered species in controlled areas.
Therefore
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, these structures need to be funded and opening their gates to visitors allows them to raise money to buy food and medicines.
However
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, other zoos do not respect
animals
Use synonyms
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 are merely seen as an easy way to gain money. Because of
this
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, the fauna living there is trapped in small dirty cages. Under these conditions, the
animals
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 suffer because,
for example
Linking Words
, they do not have enough room for running or the right food required by their diets.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, some exotic
animals
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 are forced to survive in climate areas far from their original ones: polar bears living in a very hot and humid city zoo, to cite a case. In conclusion, somebody suggests banning all the zoos, since they cause harm to
animals
Use synonyms
. I believe generalizing
this
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 topic in
this
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 manner is an oversimplification. In fact, some structures are fundamental in nature preservation,
while
Linking Words
 others that use living beings as a commercial business should be abolished.
Submitted by giuliarighetti on

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Coherence and Cohesion
In the sections of coherence and cohesion, ensure that all paragraphs follow a logical order and paragraphs smoothly transition from one to the next. A more complex and varied use of linking words could enhance the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, elaborate your response to provide a clear opinion throughout, and ensure all aspects of the task are covered. It is important that all your ideas are well-developed and supported by relevant examples or evidence.
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