IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
children
 would spend a big portion of their day on their
smartphones
.
This
 is because
smartphones
 offer easy
access
 to different types of entertainment without any supervision,
while
also
 providing
children
 with new ways of learning through various educational
platforms
. My stance regarding
this
 notion is
this
 phenomenon can be considered positive progress, as long as
children
 using
smartphones
 receive proper moderation by their guardians. There are many options for
children
 to have fun using their
smartphones
,
such
 as playing mobile games and watching movies on different streaming
platforms
.
This
 has been proven in a research study from 2022, which stated that
children
 who were born in the 2010s have a significantly more gadget addiction rate and more entertainment-specific screen time than those who were born before the year 2010. Those are the main downsides of the increase of mobile phone
access
 in
children
, which can be buffered by enacting proper moderation in its usage.
However
, the usage of
smartphones
 in
children
 can
also
 generate positive outcomes.
For instance
,
children
 can
access
 many options of learning
platforms
 to enhance their cognitive abilities,
such
 as electronic books, educational series, and online lectures. Supporting that, a recommendation has been made by the International Pediatric Association, favouring the integration of the Internet and mobile device use in
children
's education system. By using
smartphones
 for learning, there will eventually be no more physical restrictions in achieving a proper education. In summary, I personally think that
children
 spending more time on their
smartphones
 can be considered a positive development,
due to
 the easier
access
 to online learning
platforms
.
Submitted by avianitad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To enhance the coherence and logical structure of the essay, consider developing a more clearly defined organizational pattern. The main points should flow logically from one to another, and each paragraph should have a clear central idea. This can be improved by adding topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and ensuring that each sentence within the paragraph supports that central idea.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay includes a distinct introduction and conclusion. The introduction did well to outline the key points that will be discussed, but the conclusion could be more robust. It should not only summarize the main points but also re-emphasize your stance relating to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
To support your main points more effectively, provide a wider range of examples and evidence. While you have offered some research studies and statements from reputable organizations, incorporating additional data, statistics, or real-life examples would strengthen your arguments significantly.
task achievement
For task achievement, it's essential to ensure that your essay comprehensively addresses all parts of the prompt. While your response is complete, aim for a greater depth of exploration concerning why children spend hours on their smartphones and the potential implications of this development. This involves analyzing causes and effects more thoroughly.
task achievement
Clarify and develop your ideas further to add comprehensive depth to your essay. This can be done by expanding on the points mentioned, delving into the implications of smartphone use by children, and balancing the argument by discussing both positive and negative aspects with more detail.
task achievement
Integrate more specific examples that are directly relevant to the key points you are making. References to research and authoritative sources are good, but also try to include examples that directly illustrate the positive or negative outcomes of children spending time on smartphones.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: