IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance such as food and housing. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Millions of
refugees
Use synonyms
 have been forced to flee their
country
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 because of war, violence or persecution. It is argued that
asylum
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 seekers should be allowed and supported with basic aid like food and accommodation. I firmly agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea because it prevents them from relentless suffering and welcoming them into developed
countries
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 boosts the
country
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's economy.
To begin
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 with, Supporting
asylum
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 seekers in rich
countries
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 saves their precious
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and secures them from unwanted persecution. They should be allowed to their host
countries
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 because they enrich their local community, creating cultural diversity within the local population.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Refugees
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 have never chosen to be born in conflict-affected
countries
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 and like us, they too deserve a better life, a happy one.
For example
Linking Words
, thousands of Syrian
asylum
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 seekers fled from the war and
this
Linking Words
 is the reason why Germany and many European
countries
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 have decided to grant thousands of
asylum
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is good for the
country
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's economy.
Refugees
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 indeed need assistance in the beginning, but they will purchase food, take services and pay any taxes over time in the future. The
country
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 will automatically gain more manpower and can utilize
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 for better productivity.
For example
Linking Words
, in
1990s
Change the article
the 1990s
show examples
,
according to
Linking Words
 the UN refugee agency, many Bhutanese
refugees
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 were forced and fled from their
country
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due to
Linking Words
 protests against the Bhutanese government and now have flourishing businesses in the Jhapa district, Nepal.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
refugees
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 should be welcomed with open arms and I personally believe that allowing them to wealthy nation saves innocent people's lives and enhances the economic status of the
country
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.

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction has provided a clear thesis and sets up the structure of the essay effectively. However, it's essential to include a roadmap of what to expect in the subsequent paragraphs for a better guide to the reader.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon with supporting details and examples. Though your essay has done this relatively well, there could be a more explicit link back to the main question in each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Improve the range and accuracy of your linking devices. While the essay is well-structured, variety in conjunctions and cohesive devices can enhance the flow of ideas.
task achievement
To improve the Task Achievement score, make sure that every argument effectively addresses the prompt and that your position is clear throughout the essay. Each paragraph should conclusively contribute to the overarching argument.
task achievement
Don't make general statements without backing them up with specific evidence. Providing more detailed examples will strengthen your argument and improve the relevance of your points to the thesis.
coherence cohesion
For your conclusion, restate your thesis in different words, summarize your main points and make sure it is not introducing new ideas. Your conclusion did well in emphasizing your stance but also aim for a crisp wrap-up of the points discussed.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Refugees
  • Asylum seekers
  • Humanitarian aid
  • Integration
  • Multiculturalism
  • Economic impact
  • Public services
  • International law
  • Conventions relating to the status of refugees
  • Labor market
  • Cultural enrichment
  • Burden-sharing
  • Resettlement programs
  • Host country
  • Border security
  • Comprehensive policy
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