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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g., film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? which other types of job should be highly paid?

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Since new technologies were invented
such
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 as social media,
people
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 have started making good
money
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 and gaining popularity significantly. A portion of individuals believe that some entertainment industry
people
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 make huge amounts of
money
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. Do you think, is
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this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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good to pay them more amount or we should pay a higher amount of pay to other
people
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 who give more benefits to the country
such
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 as scientists and Doctors
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 I am fully disagreeing with the given statement.
To begin
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 with, a number of individuals are trying to make themselves popular in the entertainment business. They do hard work and a lot of practice to achieve their goal. Only a few of them become popular and they demand
money
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 as per their popularity. They work day and night in different seasons and travel long hours.
For example
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, An Indian actor Shahrukh Khan a superstar charges millions of dollars to make a movie. Companies pay them for advertisement and make good
money
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 from customers who watch them.
Conversely
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,
people
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 watch their movies and listen to music. Businesses promoting them paying huge amounts of
money
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instead
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 of paying them big
money
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, authorities should put some limits on them and give
money
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according to
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 their work. Sometimes they do wrong things
also
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.
For example
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, sports stars are involved in drugs which
also
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 have bad effects on youngsters.
Furthermore
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, we need to pay more to scientists, doctors and those who are doing better for society,
such
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 as a scientist who invented COVID-19 medicine and saved billions of
people
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 all over the world. In conclusion, there is no limit to anyone who can make
money
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 as per their working style and quality,
however
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, we should pay more pay to Scientists, Doctors and other inventors, who saved lives and do regular research for the betterment of the earth.

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coherence cohesion
To improve your essay's coherence, ensure that your ideas are not only stated but also explained and developed fully. Each main point should be part of a clear and logical progression from one to the next. Paragraph transitions can be enhanced with better signposting, making the reader's journey smoother. Consider using phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', or 'Contrastingly' to lead the reader through your argument more clearly.
task achievement
For a higher score in task achievement, expand on the ideas presented by offering more comprehensive insight and depth into why entertainers may or may not deserve their salaries, and why certain professionals should be highly paid. This can include discussing broader social, economic, or ethical implications.
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