IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many parents in Vietnam invest heavily into their child’s education hoping for the best. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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A common trend frequently around the educational system in Vietnam is whether to pay fees for
children
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’s studies which causes an imbalance in financial management
whereas
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 the advantage of
this
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 is increasing the adaptation ability to the
work
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 environment
as well as
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 gaining a suitable
work
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. One of the core benefits of investing
money
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 into
education
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 is helping
children
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 adapt to the workspace. To explain it
further
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, today with the rapid development of technology, most companies raise their working demand.
For example
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, in Microsoft company, all workers need an IT certificate as a fundamental condition.
As a result
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, only
education
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 can adapt to high demand in a workspace.
Additionally
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, another considerable advantage of paying heavy fees for
education
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 by parents is getting a suitable job. To put it simply,
education
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 can provide
children
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 with many soft and necessary skills related to relevant career fields, and from that
children
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 can define what
work
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 is suitable for them.
As a consequence
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,
children
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 are given a chance to
work
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 in a suitable job by the educational system.
Nevertheless
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, heavy
money
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 paid for
education
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 may cause financial management in the family.
In other words
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, investing an amount of
money
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 into study may cause families to get into debt or a shortage in the cost of living.
However
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, the educational system was and is encouraging
children
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 to study by paying fees for students whose poor condition.
Hence
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, parents do not need to worry about the profound impact on finances In conclusion, the drawback of investing heavily
money
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 on learning for
children
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 by parents in Vietnam is the financial problem is outweighed by the adaptation to workspace
along with
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 getting a suitable career.

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introduction conclusion present
Make sure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance on the issue. Begin with a general statement, then your opinion, and finally state the main points you will discuss.
supported main points
Develop your main points with more specific examples and explanations. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, followed by supporting details and examples.
logical structure
Ensure you maintain clear logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Use cohesive devices to link your ideas and paragraphs appropriately.
complete response
Fully address all parts of the task by discussing both advantages and disadvantages in depth. Make sure your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages is clear.
clear comprehensive ideas
Expand on your ideas by providing a more in-depth analysis. Try to explain how and why the advantages might outweigh the disadvantages, giving more detail and examples.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate a wider range of relevant examples from real-world contexts to strengthen your argument. These examples need to be specific and clearly linked to the points you are making.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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