IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Few people argue that
Use synonyms
phones
Change the noun form
phone
show examples
 usage at school should be restricted
while
Linking Words
 some others believe that
students
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to utilize their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
. Personally, I completely agree with the first statement because bringing
phones
Use synonyms
 to schools can affect the children's concentration and social interaction. On the one hand,
phones
Use synonyms
 can be extremely useful, especially in today's climate where
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 has become an
unvoidable
Correct your spelling
unavoidable
show examples
 part of our daily life. Young pupils can
use
Use synonyms
 their handphones to find study materials that are not available
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the textbooks.
This
Linking Words
 is going to be beneficial for both the teachers and
students
Use synonyms
 because the internet encompasses diverse subjects that will add more knowledge for its users.
For instance
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, back
then
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 when I was in high school, we had to learn about the history of movie theaters and arts.
Thruthfully
Correct your spelling
Truthfully
, it was quite hard to find the topics
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 physical books.
Hence
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, the teachers permitted us to
use
Use synonyms
 gadgets and there were an abundance of magazines and articles that were very helpful for our homework.
On the other hand
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, it is very understandable why many people support
to banned
Wrong verb form
banning
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
 as they can affect concentration and social life.
Firstly
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,
phones
Use synonyms
 can really affect young children's attention as many of them
use
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phones
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 for
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
 purposes like
to play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
 games,
wether
Correct your spelling
whether
show examples
on
Change preposition
during
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
break time or even in the classroom when they supposedly need to pay full attention to the lecturers.
Additionally
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, games are very addicting and it tends to be very difficult to stop playing
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Consequently
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, they will waste their time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing games rather than talking to their
school mates
Correct your spelling
schoolmates
show examples
.
This
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 is
then
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 proven by
recent
Add an article
a recent
the recent
show examples
 report from Del Primary Academy that shows about 68% of its
students
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
no longer like to do physical activities with their friends and prefer to
use
Use synonyms
 social media at rest time.
To conclude
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, even though
phones
Use synonyms
 can be helpful to add more knowledge, the possible drawbacks are worse as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can disturb
students
Use synonyms
' concentration and social roles.
That is
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 why I agree to ban
phones
Use synonyms
 from schools.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to develop a clear logical structure for your arguments to improve the coherence of your essay. Having a solid introduction and clear concluding statements is a good approach, but ensure that all ideas flow seamlessly from one to the next with appropriate linking words and phrases.
task achievement
To enhance your task achievement score, aim for a fully-explicit argument that covers all aspects of the topic. While you've discussed both views and included examples, ensure that you maintain focus on the question without straying into less relevant areas.
task achievement
Your essay presents relevant specific examples which is good. To improve, think about how these examples are integrated into your argument. Link them back more explicitly to the main point to strengthen the impact of your examples on your overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying sentence structures and ensure paragraphing is clear and logical. While you have good coherence, the use of cohesive devices like synonyms, pronouns, and conjunctions could be more sophisticated and varied.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
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