Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree whit this statement?
Becoming
ageing
society, Correct article usage
an ageing
extension
about retiring Correct article usage
an extension
age
has been discussed recently. Some believe it is inevitable to have longer
retirement Add an article
a longer
age
limit, while
others deem it is not the right time for it. I totally agree with the former statement that the age
when retiring should be extended. This
essay will examine both perspective
and the reason why I believe the argument.
First of all, older people who reach the retiring Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
age
are not as weak as our ancestors possessing enough physical and mental abilities. Therefore
, these employees
can take their roles and responsibilities, providing invaluable tips to young new hires. For example
, a survey responded by
HR managers in Korean corporates revealed that Change preposition
to by
work
performance of Correct article usage
the work
senior
workforce is above Correct article usage
the senior
of
Correct pronoun usage
that of
juniors'
, and HR Change noun form
juniors
personnels
answered they are willing to keep hiring senior Correct your spelling
personnel
employees
.
On the other hand
, raised
Correct article usage
a raised
retiring
Replace the word
retirement
age
can makes
Change the verb form
make
harder
for young graduates to get their first job, causing Correct pronoun usage
it harder
freezing
employment market. If senior Correct article usage
a freezing
employees
can work longer at companies
, then
organisations would not have demands for newly
hiring. Change the word
new
For example
, some Korean companies
have closed recruitment for years since they have enough people in the companies
who are not willing to quit their job until the retiring
Replace the word
retirement
age
.
To sum up
, social
dispute of retirement has both sides. One is extending retiring Correct article usage
the social
age
because using know-how
of seniorities can maintain Add an article
the know-how
overall
performance of organisations, and the other is it can Add an article
the overall
froze
Change the verb form
freeze
employment
market, so we should postpone the discussion about it. I think on balance the Correct article usage
the employment
advantage
of allowing Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
employees
to work longer at their companies
outweigh the disadvantage
.Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
Submitted by ywb516 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, and use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively.
Task Achievement
For better task achievement, make sure to address all parts of the task more completely. Elaborate further on your position throughout the essay, including a more detailed explanation of your reasons for agreeing or disagreeing.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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