IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?

#improvements #today’s #health #care #society #people #numbers
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It is undeniable that
Correct article usage
the health
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health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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 system has become an essential part of our life. It’s developing rapidly. Various achievements have been made already. All of them
helping
Wrong verb form
help
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 us to gain new knowledge and
saves
Correct subject-verb agreement
save
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 many lives every single day. It
provides
Verb problem
allows
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 us to feel better and live longer. One of the main positives of
this
 is that
people
’s chances of surviving to old age improved substantially in all world regions, and those who survive to age 60 can
also
 expect to live longer than in years past. Turning to the other side of the argument, living in
capitalistic
Add an article
a capitalistic
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 world, makes everything unaffordable. That’s the main reason why younger
people
 don’t rush to build their own family and have kids. Here’s why the number of elderly
people
 is increasing. One of the main aspects of the problem is that elderly
people
 require more help and support for obvious reasons. To tackle
this
 problem
people
 should build more houses for elderly
people
. It will provide their security,
also
 they could find many like-minded
people
 and get the right treatment. Another option could be decreasing prices and making life more affordable, so
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 generation would have more chances to survive. It
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
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 to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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the
Change preposition
in the
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 population, which is indeed, since we are facing
such
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 as the threat of extinction. Having
weighted
Correct your spelling
weighed
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 everything mentioned
up
Change preposition
apply
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, we can come to
a
Correct article usage
the
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 conclusion that
society
Add a verb
society is
society was
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 still not ready to cope with the increase in
Correct article usage
the numbers
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numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of elderly
people
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the main points of the prompt, it would benefit from deeper analysis and more specific examples to support its arguments.
coherence cohesion
Enhancing the logical flow and focusing on stronger paragraph transitions would make the essay easier to follow.
general
Grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing should be corrected to improve clarity.
task achievement
The introduction clearly sets the stage for the discussion and mentions the achievements in healthcare.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of increased life expectancy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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