IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #enrol #university #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A phenomenon regarding
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters' preference for work-based training
instead
Linking Words
 of attending university has brought various benefits and drawbacks. From my perspective, the downsides can outweigh the advantages.
For instance
Linking Words
, when enrolling in work-based training, individuals have the opportunity to unlock new skills that have never been found before.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it offers valuable work experience and expands the networking net with various expertise in specific fields.
As a result
Linking Words
, shaping them to be quality people who are ready for the future.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a rarity in job availability could easily be tackled here with the advantages young people get.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are a few downsides of opting to not attend university.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it will gradually decrease youngsters' quantity who pursue academic careers.
Thus
Linking Words
, academia will drastically fall in high numbers. In the long run, it will directly affect the educational institution.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it ingrains the corporate slave mentality,
thus
Linking Words
 developing a modern slavery society which brings an abundance of negatives.
This
Linking Words
 will undoubtedly create huge societal gaps and hierarchies between the rich and the poor. In the near future, the poor will always remain poor and their voices will not be heard as much.
At the end
Linking Words
 of the day, capitalism will slowly be implemented in all societal aspects of humanity. In conclusion, opting to enrol in work-based training greatly brings more harm rather than benefits.
This
Linking Words
 pushes youngsters, who are vulnerable, to the capitalist society. Other than that, it is the start of the destruction of the educational institution with most of them not caring for academics again.
Submitted by alyarachmadivaa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance logical structure, aim to create a more seamless progression of ideas. Consider using clearer transitional phrases to guide readers through your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion are present, strive to make them stronger. The introduction could more specifically outline the forthcoming discussion, and the conclusion should more decisively summarize the key points made.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed explanations and examples. Each paragraph should contain a clear topic sentence and expand upon the point with evidence or examples.
Task Achievement
To achieve a complete response, ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully addressed. While you've discussed advantages and disadvantages, the essay should also weigh these against each other in a more balanced manner.
Task Achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas by thoroughly exploring the implications of each advantage and disadvantage. More depth and analysis will make your essay stronger.
Task Achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to illustrate the points you're making. This will make your argument more convincing and fulfill the task requirement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-based training
  • enrol
  • university
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills
  • experience
  • workforce
  • employment
  • earnings
  • opportunities
  • further education
  • theoretical knowledge
  • career options
  • exploitation
  • balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: