IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country. But others believe that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they live. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #charity #organizations #offer #country #aid
Some
people
 hold the opinion that support should be provided to
people
 in their own
country
,
whereas
 others say that the needy should be helped irrespective of their
country
. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I intend to discuss both viewpoints. I personally believe that help should be given to the needy irrespective of their geographical location. There are many reasons why some
people
 are in favour of charities helping the needy in their own
country
.
Firstly
, these organisations remain directly in touch with the needy. They can see how the money or the other resources provided by them are being used. It has been well said that charity begins at home. What is more, domestic charities target problems specific to their home
country
.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Help Age India is an Indian charity providing help for the aged in India.
On the other hand
, those who wish that the needy should be helped in any corner of the world, give their reasons as follows.
Firstly
,
this
aid
 would
also
 help their own
country
.
In other words
, as poor
countries
 develop through
aid
, it fosters international trade.
This
 creates
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 demand for products made in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rich
countries
, which improves the economy of rich
countries
 by creating jobs. In my opinion, help should be given globally. By giving
aid
, the economic condition of the poor
countries
 improves and so the conditions that promote terrorism,
such
 as poverty, unemployment and corruption are removed. So,
this
aid
 promotes peace and stability in the whole world.
Finally
, giving
aid
 adds to the power and influence of the rich
countries
. Today, the status in the world is not based on military strength, but on relationships with other
countries
. Summing up, the purpose of charity organizations is to help
people
 in need, and it does not matter where
this
 help goes. If
people
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the home
country
 need help,
then
 it would certainly be advisable to help those around you first.
Submitted by aamenis on

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a well-structured argument with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good for coherence and cohesion. To improve this further, ensure that there's a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relates to the task prompt.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs. This will help improve the logical flow of the argument.
task achievement
Task Achievement: The essay responds to the prompt fully, presenting both views and a clear personal opinion, which is excellent. Enhance this by deepening the analysis of each point with more nuanced expressions and further development of ideas.
task achievement
Provide more specific and detailed examples to reinforce arguments. This makes the essay more persuasive and improves your score in task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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