IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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People
Use synonyms
 live expectation increases in the present day in many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
adds
Correct subject-verb agreement
add
show examples
 more problems,
while
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 think the opposite. I posit that the advantages are unable to surpass the merits. On the one hand, if the number of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 continuously grows, the governments would be bearing on hospital prices
due to
Linking Words
 an inadequate the old
people
Use synonyms
 to pay off.
Thus
Linking Words
, the governments should allocate more funding every year
whereas
Linking Words
 that funding can be used for other matters related to education
for example
Linking Words
. I consider that when
this
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 phenomenon is ignored, the grant for elderly health will take more than 20% of national funding yearly.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is hard to be in developed
countries
Use synonyms
 when there are many old
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 happens caused by an inadequate the old
people
Use synonyms
 produce money, whilst they depend on their relatives. In terms of being developed
countries
Use synonyms
, the governments should have higher "GDP". Even though
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some elderly
people
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 can save their lives independently, it is a small number compared to others. These problems suffocate societies because they pay taxes more.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who actively work must pay taxes regularly
whereas
Linking Words
 it is used to cover the other unproductive citizen's issues. As
consequence
Correct article usage
a consequence
show examples
, the more
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in some
countries
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 climbs , the more amount taxes the government takes. In conclusion, having more elderly
people
Use synonyms
 only produces more problems for the government not only bearing more in hospital price matters but
also
Linking Words
 disclosing for being developed
countries
Use synonyms
. To suggest, workers of companies should consist of 20% elderly
people
Use synonyms
 aiming to reduce unproductive population.

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coherence cohesion
It is important to ensure that your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Include an explicit thesis statement in your introduction that addresses the essay question directly and outlines the main arguments that will be discussed in the essay.
task achievement
Aim to develop your main points with specific examples or evidence. Avoid making general statements without supporting them with concrete details. This provides strength to your arguments and engages the reader.
task achievement
Focus on maintaining a balanced view when discussing the advantages and disadvantages. Consider elaborating on both sides of the argument to ensure you are providing a comprehensive response to the question.
coherence cohesion
Work on your grammar and sentence structures to enhance clarity and precision in your writing. Avoid sentence fragments and run-on sentences by reviewing the use of conjunctions and punctuation.
task achievement
Check your essay for any spelling mistakes and ensure that you have used the correct vocabulary to express your ideas effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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