IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

You are concerned about a playground in your local college. Write a letter to the college principal. In your letter: - express your concern on things in the playground that are not safe; - explain why it is important to fix them; - suggest any improvements that make playground safe for everyone.

#playground #college #concern #improvements
Dear Mr.Otabek, I am Akbar, a student
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 college. I am writing in connection with the need to repair the
playground
. They are very old and dangerous. The
playground
 in our college is the only recreational space available and most of the
children
 gather in the evening to play various games.
However
, in the
last
 two months, most parents do not allow sending their
children
 to the
playground
 because there are a lot of old swings and broken chairs.
Firstly
, the
playground
 is very old and not comfortable, and even some residents
also
Rephrase
even
show examples
 started throwing garbage in the corner of the
playground
. There is an unpleasant smell of garbage coming from there and
children
 don’t like it. I believe that
instead
 of closing the
playground
, the council should take some steps to put an end to these problems by hiring a security guard and repairing the faulty swing set. And those who throw out garbage should pay a fine for
this
, I think that
after
this
 everything will change and
children
 will play better. I look forward to a positive response. Maxmudov Akbarshox
Submitted by ina1_95 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Greeting and Closing
Make sure to clearly structure your letter with an appropriate opening and closing statement. Your opening addressed the recipient with 'Mr. Otabek' which was good, but make sure to sign off more formally, such as 'Yours sincerely' or 'Yours faithfully,' followed by your full name.
Single idea per paragraph
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea or point. You started well by identifying issues with the playground equipment but then suddenly introduced the problem of trash without a smooth transition. Try to dedicate one paragraph to each significant point.
Complete Response
Adequately cover all bullet points provided in the task. You addressed the safety concerns and provided suggestions for improvement, but did not expand on why fixing the playground is important, missing depth in your response.
Suitable Writing Tone
Your letter should maintain a consistently formal or semi-formal tone throughout as it is addressed to a college principal. Avoid casual language, and make sure to formulate complete sentences and use paragraphs effectively to organize your thoughts.
Logical Structure
For enhanced coherence, logically order your ideas and information. Begin with an introduction, followed by a paragraph for each issue and suggestion, and conclude with a summary or call to action. Use linking words to connect sentences and paragraphs.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: