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Band 4

A mobile phone plays a significant role. Some people think that it affects medical and social aspects of people’s daily life from the negative side. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#phone #role #people #aspects #people’s #life #side
Cell phone usage, especially the use of
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
, has skyrocketed over the past decade. For many, using a mobile phone is no longer considered a privilege, it is a necessity.
However
, I assume that excessive use of these gadgets contributes to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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both
Change preposition
in both
show examples
 physical and mental health illnesses and
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
show examples
communication
 skills. Cell
phones
 are integral to everyday tasks
such
 as obtaining directions, accessing news and entertainment,
communication
Replace the word
communicating
show examples
 with family, friends and coworkers, and managing schedules/meetings. But many of us have become addicted to them and have difficulties with controlling the amount of time we spend staring at our screens.
This
 may
causes
Wrong verb form
cause
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 physical health issues including eye strain,
neck
Correct word choice
and neck
show examples
 and back pain. More often, the widespread use of mobile
phones
 and their essential role in our
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 lives may contribute to feelings of stress and anxiety.
Although
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
also
 open the door to
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 able to communicate in different ways (text messages, social media messaging and
videocalls
Correct your spelling
video calls
show examples
), they have
also
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
communication
 skills.
For instance
, in text messaging people
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 important aspects of
communication
 like
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
body
languages
Fix the agreement mistake
language
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, tone of voice and eye contact,
thus
,
waste
Wrong verb form
wasting
show examples
 the ability for true understanding.
Overall
, cell
phones
 are now
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 crucial part of our daily lives,
however
, I believe that overuse of them can
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a significant
bad
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
impact on our both physical and mental health and do not improve our
communication
 skills,
therefore
, they are ultimately hurting us than serving us.
Submitted by njoldassova on

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task achievement
Ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. In your essay, while you've presented a clear position, you could improve by discussing the contrasting viewpoint to showcase a balanced argument before stating your agreement or disagreement.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas with more specific examples to strengthen your argument. Instead of generally stating health issues, cite reputable studies or statistics that show the correlation between mobile phone usage and health problems.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your essay by organizing your ideas into clear, well-formulated paragraphs. Use a wider range of linking words to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
While you have an introduction and a conclusion, make sure that your introduction includes a clear thesis statement that outlines the structure of your essay, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your points and restates your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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