IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping.

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It is often claimed that a large number of adolescents have been spending most
time
Use synonyms
 shopping for their most preferred possessions. In
this
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 essay,
however
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, I will explain the reasons why little
people
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 must be focused on other activities rather than shopping.
To begin
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 with, youth tend to buy favourite clothes or other personal belongings.
This
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 is because they enjoy shopping as their preferred activity.
In addition
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 to that, teens always follow the recent fashion trend, which is why they spend the most
time
Use synonyms
 purchasing their possessions, whatever they are like.
Besides
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, young
people
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 not only shop but
also
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 hang out with their friends in the shopping centre.
In other words
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, youth are highly motivated by the television media, as it is advertising the fashion trend, and
due to
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this
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, teens are interested in shopping as their favourite pastime. There are a variety of reasons why adolescents should focus on other activities
instead
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 of spending the most
time
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 shopping.
Firstly
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, little
people
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 may develop their skills,
such
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 as computer programming, debate, and presentation skills, so that they can compete with other candidates in the future job market.
Secondly
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, young
people
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 may spend their leisure
time
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 playing sports, particularly football, cricket, and hockey, which will help them avoid different types of diseases like obesity, depression, and diabetes in the future.
Finally
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, reading might be another preferred activity for young
people
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, as it will enrich their knowledge and skills. In conclusion,
although
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 youth enjoy shopping as their preferred activity rather than doing other things. In my opinion,
however
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, adolescents must be encouraged to engage in other activities, as it will not only assist them to compete in future competitions but
also
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 enhance their expertise and abilities.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the logical structure of your essay has a clear progression of ideas. Linking words and phrases should be used to help guide the reader through your arguments. Providing clearer transitions between ideas can improve the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a balance between introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Make sure that each part of your essay clearly fulfills its purpose. The introduction should set the stage, body paragraphs should expand on your main points, and your conclusion should provide a definitive closure.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples or evidence. This could include referencing studies, statistics, or including more personal anecdotes to illustrate your arguments.
task achievement
A complete response must fully address all parts of the task. Make sure you answer all aspects of the question, providing a balanced view if required by the prompt.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more comprehensively. The scope of the essay can be enhanced by exploring the topics in greater depth and providing more nuanced arguments.
task achievement
Use specific examples to make your points more convincing. Examples should be directly relevant to the topic and offer insight into your argument. Make sure they are well-integrated into your discussion.
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