IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think it is a better way to leave their home country to improve their work and living opportunities, while others think staying in their own country is a better choice. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #home #country #work #opportunities #choice
In the purpose of enhancing the quality of life, certain
people
 assume that going abroad to occupy is better.
Nevertheless
, there are
also
 many
people
 who have a perspective that no
place
 could compete with their homeland as a
place
 to live.
This
 essay will discuss different perceptions regarding living locations with the aim of upgrading the life standard. Every
country
 has their own uniqueness
such
 as the unwritten rules that are created by locals’ habits toward certain things, and
this
 has affected the opportunities for the
people
 who live there. Part of the society is already satisfied with the means of living their
country
provided
Wrong verb form
provides
show examples
. They have worked in a
supporting
Replace the word
supportive
show examples
 environment, a lovely and warm house to live in, and surrounded by family and friends.
Therefore
, moving to other countries has never crossed their minds.
For example
, Rafi Ahmad is still living in his home
country
 because he succeeded in being the most influential actor and presenter in Indonesia. His
successful
Replace the word
success
show examples
 in the entertainment industry has made him the person of Indonesian
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 would look up to.
Moreover
, the government would collaborate with Rafi Ahmad to smoothen the critical national messages to the citizens.
Therefore
, it must be hard for Rafi Ahmad to leave his
place
 of birth.
However
, a few
people
 might feel they belong somewhere else because they could not find their interests and chances in their home
country
.
For example
, it is hard to get an occasion if you are graduating from a specific major
such
 as science and technology in Indonesia.
Thus
,
people
 who have those majors would rather live abroad with the purpose of continuing their studies or living there because they are able to work in their related major which improves their quality of life. A comfortable
place
 of living depends on the perspective and the aim of every person. Some
people
 would rather leave their homeland to upgrade their lives.
On the other hand
, some
people
 are satisfied living in their home
country
, so they would not be leaving it.
Submitted by narawriteshare9 on

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task achievement
Ensure you have a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the overall direction of the essay. This helps guide the reader through your discussion.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments. Though one example is provided, additional examples can strengthen your points and provide clarity.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and topic-specific vocabulary to link ideas together more effectively. Phrases like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'consequently' can help to show the relationship between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that states the main idea of the paragraph. This will help the reader to immediately understand what to expect from each part of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in verb tense throughout the essay. This is important to maintain coherence and a logical flow.
task achievement
Conclude your essay with a summary of the discussed points and restate your own opinion clearly. A strong conclusion can elevate the overall effectiveness of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • professional growth
  • quality of life
  • stronger economies
  • employment opportunities
  • advancement opportunities
  • emotional bonds
  • cultural ties
  • familiar environment
  • contributing to
  • local economy
  • personal aspirations
  • cultural identity
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