IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Nowadays young people are leaving their homes from rural areas to study or work in the cities. Why does this happen? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?

#people #homes #areas #study #work #cities #happen #development
In the present times, youth prefer to leave their urban areas to move into big cities for education
as well as
 for careers.
Although
this
 may hurt a person in the short term, it allows them to create huge opportunities for their future, and I believe
this
 advantage far outweighs the potential disadvantage. Making
this
 choice may hurt a person in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 short period. Take,
for example
, students who move to the capitals of their countries to get a better education, they are usually struggling with assimilation from their relatives and birthplace,
due to
 the completely new society surrounding them. If they relocate to the wanted place,
consequently
, they can rely on their dreams and hopes, and they may face the short-term downside of losing the comfort their parents provide. The same can be true of making a career, change that involves a potential big pay cut and problems with finding a perfect job at first.
However
, I do not think, that a short-term sacrifice should be seen as a major disadvantage
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it can be a pay-off in the long run. On the positive side,
this
 development brings chances.
For instance
, if my grandparents had not been brave enough to move to the capital of my country, my mom would not have had the opportunity to study at the best university , let alone become the greatest psychologist in my country. If my grandparents had not made
this
 decision to create a better life, it could have probably been anyone else, rather than my mother in
this
 position. So, I think that possibilities like
this
 are extremely essential because they can be life-changing. In conclusion,
although
 leaving your birthplace is hard, I strongly believe, that the advantage, like an enormous number of life-changing opportunities, greatly outweighs
this
 not-so-significant potential disadvantage.
Submitted by katiakardash07 on

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Introduction
Ensure introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. The essay has a suitable introduction but could provide clearer outlines on both advantages and disadvantages.
Body Paragraphs
Make certain that each body paragraph has a clear main idea, which is supported by specific examples or explanations. Several paragraphs discuss ideas but without strong or specific examples to support them.
Conclusion
Properly develop your conclusion to provide a summarized viewpoint that reflects the content of your essay, emphasizing the comparison between advantages and disadvantages.
Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas across sentences and paragraphs, making sure they are not overused or repetitive.
Coherence
Paragraphs should be logically ordered and ideas should flow naturally from one to the next, with clear, focused topic sentences for each paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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