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Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
Nowadays
people
 are likely to live longer in different countries. It is believed by a group of
people
 that these aged
people
 cause drawbacks for the
government
while
 another group marks senior citizens as beneficial. Though over elderly population might be problematic, It is mostly beneficial in different ways. On the one hand, the rate
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 increasing number of senior citizens refers to the developed health system of a country. It
also
 emphasizes the lower death rate of children and mothers.
Next,
increasing
Add an article
an increasing
show examples
 number of aged
people
 can be used in different positive ways. The age limit for retirement should be increased, so that the
government
 will get more
expart
Correct your spelling
expert
 workers or
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 in various sectors. The expense to arrange recruitment exams and
huge
Correct article usage
the huge
show examples
 amount spent to train new workers will be declined sharply.
Correct article usage
The Goverment
show examples
Goverment
Correct your spelling
Government
 will never face the lack of skilled workers
while
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 public services will be
more smooth
Correct word choice
smoother
show examples
.
On the other hand
, aged
people
 are more responsible and
obidient
Correct your spelling
obedient
 as their lives have been shaped in a selected way. Whether they are assigned by the
government
 to do different social works, they will do it. Here,
comperatively
Correct your spelling
comparatively
 stronger old
people
 could help other aged
people
 and their mental bonding will run
this
 facility forever. Normally, a young boy who is not trained will
be failed
Wrong verb form
fail
show examples
 to entertain an old man for the age gap.
As a result
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social harmony will be increased and the expense of social
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 will be decreased which can
be use
Change the verb form
be used
show examples
 by the
government
 to improve services including those elderly
people
. In conclusion, having an elderly population might be thought
as
Change preposition
of as
show examples
 disastrous but it is a fortune for a nation. They could be assets for governments whether their skills and time
used
Add a missing verb
are used
show examples
 in a proper direction and way.
Submitted by ashiqbillah99 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear paragraphing, each paragraph should center around a single main theme or idea. Transitions could be improved to aid the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use a greater variety of linking phrases to better connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
task achievement
Develop the main points further with more detailed and relevant examples to support the arguments you present.
task achievement
Check for ambiguities or vague statements and ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to the central topic.
task achievement
Make sure that the conclusion effectively summarizes the points made and relates back to the question, weighing the advantages and disadvantages.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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