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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that development of technology helps to reduce crime, whike others think that it encourages crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Technology
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 has numerous effects on individuals from the fluctuation of
people
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's mental
healths
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health
show examples
 to the
rate
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 of
crime
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 in society.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that advancements
of
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in
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technology
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 mitigate
crime
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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others hold the opposite idea.
This
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 essay will explain
the
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apply
show examples
both perspectives
,
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apply
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 and advocate the latter notion.
People
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, who believe that advanced
technology
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 may alleviate the
crime
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rate
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highlight
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highlights
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 that technological devices are able to make monitoring
people
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 easier. To illustrate, some gadgets like video
camera
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cameras
show examples
, or mobile phones
are
Verb problem
have
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 made tracking individuals easier compared to previous
time
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times
show examples
.
For instance
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, there are about a thousand electronic cameras on roads in Istanbul,
hence
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 police can detect suspicious men or women
while
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 watching
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the recording
a recording
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recording
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recordings
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, rather than tracking
in
Correct pronoun usage
them in
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 the street.
Moreover
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,
by
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with
show examples
 the help of new brand
analyze
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analysis
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 applications, computers are able to determine a person approximately 2 kilometres away. Those crowd, who advocate
technology
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 is likely to reduce the
crime
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rate
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, believe that as these tools tend to help the police, they may seem
as
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like
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 a
threaten
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threat
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 factor to criminals.
Hence
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, criminals may prefer to stop to commit a
crime
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.
On the other hand
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, there is a dramatic incline in the number of cybercrime across the world, since the invention of mobile phones. Owing to the fact that mobile phones support the use of bank
accounts related
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account-related
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 apps, many adults, especially senior citizens, are put at
an
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a
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 disadvantage.
As a consequence
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 of their lack of knowledge about these applications, they are likely to share crucial information about their bank accounts with scammers.
As a result
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, they are being hacked by scammers.
For instance
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, nearly 2000
people
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, whose ages are between 60 and 80 are asking for help from police departments
monthy
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monthly
 in Turkey, in order to take their
saving
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savings
show examples
.
Finally
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, I believe that advancements in
technology
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 increasing the
crime
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rate
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. Since technological devices
,
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apply
show examples
 and apps related to these tools are completely unfamiliar
with
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to
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 many
people
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, they can be hacked by
frauds
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fraud
show examples
 in two seconds
,
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apply
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 and may lose their whole savings.
Therefore
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, until
use
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the use
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 of these gadgets
will be
Wrong verb form
is
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 confined by laws, the number of
people
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, who are allowed to use these tools and apps should be limited by authorities.
To conclude
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,
while
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 some believe that
technology
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 has decreased
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime
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by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the help of new brand monitoring cameras,
the
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apply
show examples
others hold the opposite idea. I, personally, support the second group
,
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apply
show examples
 and argue that some individuals may be affected adversely
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the
technology
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due to
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 their lack of information about these novelties.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay maintains a consistent logical flow. This can be achieved by using clear and repeated linking phrases that guide the reader through the progression of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that clearly state the topic and your viewpoint. While you have provided these, make sure that they are concise and directly relevant to the question.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with evidence or examples. You have done this well, but ensure that the support directly relates to the main point it is intended to back up.
task achievement
Fully respond to all parts of the task. The question asks for a discussion of both views as well as your opinion. While you have included these, your discussion could be more balanced and your personal stance more explicit throughout the essay.
task achievement
Express your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Make sure to explain all acronyms or technical terms and keep your sentences straightforward to maximize understanding.
task achievement
Use specific examples to make your ideas clear and persuasive. You have included some examples, but incorporating more varied and detailed examples, especially when conveying your own viewpoint, would strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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